Happy Hiroshima Day!

Remember the good ol’ days when we used to end wars?  Y’know, by actually defeating our enemy?  As opposed to now, when we just fight for a little while, then declare “Mission accomplished.”

And don’t forget to celebrate Nagasaki Day on Thursday!

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Happy Birthday ‘Merica!!!!

Normally on Patriotic holidays I like to thump my chest and brag about how great our nation is.  I like to talk a little shit on all the lesser nations of the world (I’m talking to you, France), rub their nose in our superiority and basically be the typical Ugly American.

But for this 4th of July I’m going to embrace my inner George H.W. Bush and be a kinder, gentler American.  Today I’m just celebrating our nation by displaying a wide range of patriotic swimwear.  Because let’s face it, everybody loves hot girls.

God Bless America.

 (BTW, Fuck You, China.)

I Am Not a Racist (I’m Just an Asshole)

It has been brought to my attention recently that the title of my blog could be construed as racist. So I’d like to take this time to set the record straight.

The inspiration for the title comes from old fashioned personal ads. Those of you old enough to remember the days before internet dating (or those of you that have seen crappy old romantic comedies) will recall that people used to place ads in the newspaper with messages like “Single white male seeks…” or “Divorced black female seeks…”

You may or may not also be aware that when gay people placed personal ads they would often say something like “Single white male seeks same.” So, taking these conventions as inspiration, I tailored my own unique twist and came up with “Single White Alcoholic Seeks Same.”

 

For the record, I am not gay, I am not racist, and for the last nine months I haven’t even been single. (I was single when I started my writings; now I’m using “single” in the more liberal sense, as in “not married.”  Pray I don’t ever have to change this blog to “The Neutered White Alcoholic!”) 

The “white” part just fit with the theme of an old-fashioned personal ad.  It’s just a name I came up with. It sounded funny when I thought it up so I went with it.  I have no issues with any race.  I’ve drank with Mexicans, had sex with Asians, and I’ll be voting for a black man in 2012.

You got a problem with that?

On a separate note, today is the Marine Corps’ 236th birthday.  For those of you keeping track at home, the Marine Corps is actually a year older than the United States.  That’s right, they not only protect the good ol’ U S of A, they basically created it!  In honor of the finest soldiers in the world, I present you with a hot girl in USMC bodypaint:

And a hot girl taking off a Marine uniform:

And, finally, what I think is an actual, real-life Marine.  At the risk of making light of all our soldiers do, I would totally go to war with this girl!

Semper Fi all of you.

Channel Your Inner “Ugly American”

I considered just re-posting my Memorial Day Weekend blog for this 4th of July, but then I thought “What kind of example would that set?”  This is the birthday of our great nation.  Writing something blatantly offensive and nationalistic is the very least I can to honor my country.

So, in that spirit, I’ve made just a small list of ways that you too can honor the greatest country on earth.  I would suggest you make a drinking game out of it with your friends; whoever checks each of these off your list first gets a free drink from the rest of the group.

Here’s the list:

–Find a Canadian person and complete at least two of the following: 1) Refer to Canada as “America’s hat.”  2) Talk mad shit about the Vancouver Canucks losing the Stanley Cup, thus extending Canada’s Cup-less streak to 18 years.  Make sure to tell them that Canada’s prized goalie, Roberto Luongo, was the third best goalie in a two team finals.  And 3) ask them if the western Canadian provinces will really try to join the United States after those pesky French Canadians secede in Quebec.

–Start a “U S A!  U S A!” chant for no reason whatsoever in a wildly inappropriate place, like church or the grocery store.

–Wear a blatantly patriotic and offensive T-shirt.  Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of thoseshirts.com:

–Watch A Few Good Men and tell everyone around you how Jack Nicholson is the real hero of the movie.  If anyone tries to argue shout them down with one line: “You can’t handle the truth!”

–Make fun of soccer.  Mercilessly.  The only exception: It’s ok to watch the women’s World Cup under the pretense that you’re cheering for America, even though we both know you’re just hoping some chick will rip her shirt off again.

–Include the word “fucking” when mentioning any other nationality.  Fucking Russians, fucking British, fucking Chinese, fucking Mexicans (although you should be careful with this one in most parts of America).  Fucking Irish, fucking Germans, fucking Brazilians, fucking Egyptians.  Try it, I think you’ll find it’s a lot of fun.  Fucking French, fucking Nepalese…

–Drink American.  No imported beers, no Polish vodkas, no Caribbean rums.  For one weekend you can consume American booze.  I recommend Tito’s Vodka or Budweiser’s new patriotic cans.

–Have sex with an American girl.  I know a lot of people bag on Americans, call us fat and lazy and all kinds of other shit, but I still say American girls are better than any other nation’s females. Australia isn’t far behind, but at least on this one day you can do the right thing and bang an American chick.

–If for some reason you absolutely must have sex with a non-American girl (like if you’re married to a foreigner, if you’re a gigolo, or if it’s last call and you’ve struck out with all the American girls), make sure they know you’re only “planting your flag” as conquest and in honor of the greatest nation on earth.  Be sure to tell them this before, during and after sex.

–Go to a Civil War reenactment and treat it like a sporting event, cheering madly for the guys in Blue.  Mock and taunt anyone with a Confederate flag like you would your worst sports rival.

–Spend an obscene amount of money on fireworks.  Then start blowing shit up.

–If anyone dares to criticize any of your showings of patriotism accuse them of being a communist.  If you’re sober enough to form coherent sentences you can use the proper wording: “Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?”  If you’re not sober enough to sound erudite and sophisticated (and I’m hoping you’re not), simply screaming “COMMIE!  COMMIE PINKO SCUM!” will be more than sufficient.

–Ladies, wear a patriotic bikini to make us all stand at attention.

–Order a pizza with extra bacon and have it delivered to your local mosque.  (Disclaimer: this could be a hate crime where you live.  I do NOT advocate breaking any laws.)

–Play poker with your friends.  Poker is the ultimate American card game.  It was invented here, perfected here, and is as much a staple of the Wild West culture as cowboys, guns and hookers.

–Put flags on everything.  Fly them from your porch, your car, your boat, your dog.  Use tablecloths, napkins and plates with flags on them.  Paint your face, slap on fake tattoos.  Put flag stickers on everything, whether it belongs to you or not.

–Enter an eating contest.  There are few things more American than wanton gluttony.  But, if you do, you must beat any and all foreigners in the contest.  Even if you’re up against the great Kobayashi.  So be careful with this one.

–Start a fight with a foreigner.  Any foreigner.

–Ladies, give a serviceman and/or veteran a blow job.  Double points if he’s a complete stranger.  Quadruple points if he’s been wounded or disabled.  This one isn’t even a joke.  It’s the right thing to do.

–Go out of your way to be the very essence of the “Ugly American.”  Be loud, rude, abrasive and, above all, drunk!

God Bless America.

This Day in History

Today, June 19th,  is a great day in American history.  Anybody know why?  First person to comment with the correct answer gets the respect and admiration (and public acknowledgement) of the Single White Alcoholic.

I’ll give you a hint: we killed someone…

Heroes & Villains

I know you’re all probably getting sick of hearing about Osama Bin Laden and the “War on Terror” by now.  And I promise I will get back to stories of booze and boobs tomorrow, after this one last, final rant on our war with Islam.

The “War on Terror” did not start on 9/11, 2001.  And it did not end with Osama Bin Laden’s death.  If you’ll permit me just a couple minutes, I’d like to take you on a very quick journey through recent history.  Below are a few people you should never forget:

— John O’Neill.

John O’Neill was an FBI agent obsessed with the threat of Al Qaeda long before most of us had even heard of the terrorist organization.  Starting in 1995, when he helped capture one of the leaders of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, he spent the next six years tracking Al Qaeda and Bin Laden and sounding the alarm about the threat they posed.  In a sad irony not even Hollywood could have dreamed up, after O’Neill left the FBI due to disagreements over the handling of the USS Cole investigation, he took his next job in August, 2001, as head of security at the World Trade Center.  He died less than three weeks later in the second tower on 9/11.

For the complete story, read the New Yorker article here.

— Leon Klinghoffer

Leon Klinghoffer was a retired American businessman, confined to a wheelchair.  A peaceful man, with no ties to the military or any form of law enforcement, Klinghoffer was on a cruise with his wife for their 36th anniversary aboard the Achille Lauro when it was hijacked by a faction of the Palestinian Liberation Organization in October of 1985.  (16 years before 9/11.)

During the hijacking, Klinghoffer was singled out for being both an American and a Jew.  He was executed, shot in the head and chest, and both he and his wheelchair were thrown overboard off the coast of Syria.

The leader of the hijacking, Abu Abbas, escaped prosecution for his involvement in Klinghoffer’s murder by fleeing through several communist countries before finally settling down in Iraq.  There he was sheltered by Saddam Hussein for almost 20 years before finally being captured in 2003.  (Don’t ever say Saddam and Iraq weren’t involved in terrorism.)

— Robert Stethem

US Navy Seabee Robert Dean Stethem was aboard TWA Flight 847 in June of 1985 when it was hijacked by members of Hezbollah and Islamic Jihad.  (Isn’t it funny how the same groups that were hijacking planes twenty-some years ago are now passing themselves off as legitimate political parties in the “peace process” with Israel?)

Stethem was singled out by the terrorists for being an American serviceman.  They beat him, tortured him, and finally shot him in the head and threw his body on the tarmac of Beirut International Airport.

One of the hijackers, Mohammed Ali Hammadi, was caught two years later in Germany, attempting to smuggle explosives.  He was convicted of Stethem’s murder and sentenced to life in prison.  However, he was paroled in 2005.  In June of 2010 he was killed by a US bomb near the Pakistan-Afghan border.

— Imad Mughniyah

You should never forget Imad Mughniyah either, but for far different reasons.  One of the worst terrorists ever, Mughniyah was behind more attacks and murders than we can even begin to fathom.  Just a few of these include the aforementioned hijacking of TWA Flight 847; the bombing of the US Embassy in Beirut in 1983 (sixty-plus killed); the Marine barracks bombing, also in Beirut in 1983 (241 Marines killed); and the bombing of the Isreali Embassy in Argentina in 1992 (29 killed).

Mughniyah evaded capture much longer than Osama Bin Laden, but eventually he also met his demise.  In February of 2008 he was killed on the street in Damascus, Syria by a car bomb exploded as he walked by.  It is still not known whether he was assassinated by Israeli intelligence or by a rival faction within the incestuous world of Islamic fundamentalism.  But as long as he’s dead that’s all that matters to me.

And there you have it.  Three heroes and a handful of monsters.  Don’t forget any of them.  Notice two of the heroes were murdered long before Osama Bin Laden ever came along, long before Al Qaeda was a household word.  And notice none of the monsters had any direct links to Bin Laden or Al Qaeda, and yet each of them died quite recently right in the middle of the “War on Terror.”

This war isn’t over.  Not by a long shot.

Just 1.6 Billion to go…

-Osama Bin Laden (upper body injury) will not return to the game.

Too bad we had to be all respectful and bury his body at sea and in accordance with Muslim traditions.  He sure didn’t observe any such respect to his victims.  We should have wrapped him in bacon and strung him up in front of the World Trade Center site.