The Fake Pass Out


The Fake Pass Out is possibly the most important play in my entire arsenal.  It has saved me from disaster on multiple occasions.

I first stumbled upon this maneuver one drunken night in San Diego when I was out drinking with a group of students that worked for me.  One girl (we’ll call her Hot Hippie) had some old friends in town and one was a girl everyone called T-Bone.  No joke, this girl was a good 250 pounds.  A nice girl, lots of fun, but clearly not something I wanted to dive into, no matter how many gin and tonics I’d knocked back.  Anyways, after a long night of drinking, we made our way back to Hot Hippie’s apartment.  I was in no condition to drive, figuring I was just going to crash on her couch for a few hours, when I heard T-Bone from the other side of the apartment yell, “Hey, Hot Hippie, who gets to make out with your boss tonight?”

Not gonna lie, panic set in.  I had never been in this situation before.  Utterly wasted and without much time to act, I laid down on the floor kind of in the corner of the living room and pretended to be passed out.  And this is where the brilliance of my plan (completely unintentional at the time) set in.  You see, if you are good and truly fucked up and you lay perfectly still and pretend to be passed out, it will only take about 30 seconds before you actually pass out.  It’s sheer genius!

The next time I used the Fake Pass Out was with my ex girlfriend.  After a tumultuous four month relationship and an acrimonious year or so post-break up, we had made our peace and developed a very convenient semi-annual cross country booty call.  She’d fly out to see me in the late spring or early summer and I’d go out to visit her in the winter.  We had a great understanding, we’d spend a weekend fucking like rabbits and both leave sated and relaxed.  Well, I should say that I thought we had a great understanding.  One night in Chicago, after a long evening of drinking, we stumbled back to our hotel and I collapsed on the bed, hammered but ready to do some work.  But as I was lying there, waiting for her to join me in bed, I heard her say, “Are you ever going to marry me?”

Although this could easily pass for the most terrifying moment of my life, I immediately remembered the Fake Pass Out and knew how to get out of this.  I mumbled some joke along the lines of “Are you proposing to me?” and then rolled over, pretending to be asleep.  Next thing I knew it was morning and I just pretended like I didn’t remember a thing.  I got on a plane, went home, and haven’t seen her since.

The Fake Pass Out literally saved my life.

Since then I’ve used the Fake Pass Out several more times, including one night when a crazy girl on anti-depressants with a severe underbite wound up in my bed.  But that, my friends, is another story…

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5 Comments

  1. Oooh! Oooh! I wanna hear about Ms. Underbite! LOL

    Love the stories & idea. I’ll be sure to use that the next time I’m in a similar situation, which shouldn’t be too far off in my future.

    • The Fake Pass Out may not work quite as well for a woman… Let’s face it, some guys are just shady enough to try and accomplish their goal whether you’re awake or not. My advice: give it a shot, but be prepared to deliver a well placed knee to the groin if necessary!

  2. Been there, done that. So you’re right, and I’ll be sure to be prepared to perform self-defense maneuvers.

    I can’t imagine not waking up if a guy was having sex with me though. Unless I was either extremely drunk or drugged of course.

  3. […] The Fake Pass Out […]

  4. […] a much more low key night, no dancing or any of that bullshit, just hanging out and drinking.  Hot Hippie was there again, and again she monopolized Julie’s time; clearly I was going to have to have […]


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