Stuff Mormons Say

Fellow blogger O’Shea Shenanigans had a great post about “Shit New Yorkers Say” recently, and it got me thinking about some of the weird sayings Mormons have here in Utah.  Now, clearly life isn’t as exciting in End Of The World, UT as the Big Apple; we don’t have celebrities or cool nightspots or even two newspapers to choose from.  But what we do have is a bizarre, cult-like religion that preaches family values while ignoring the obvious paradoxesinconsistencies and outright racism of their culture.

But I’m not trying to start a debate about the merits of the Mormon faith.  Nor am I campaigning for or against Mitt Romney.  Nope, I just thought you all might get a kick out of some of the silly things that come out of people’s mouths around here.

So here goes:

“Oh my heck.” — Perhaps the most common expression unique to this area.  This one makes no sense to me.  Shouldn’t it be “Oh my gosh?”  I mean, do you know any heathens that say “Oh my hell?”  Personally, I’m on a mission to spice this one up by saying “Oh my fuck!” whenever possible.

“Kick some trash.” — Another one that makes no sense.  I guess Mormons are just trying to be extra creative, make it their own without appearing to emulate us gentiles too much.  Otherwise, why wouldn’t they just say “Kick some butt?”  “Kick some posterior?”  “Kick some gluteus maximus?”  I can’t think of any way to either make this cooler or make fun of it.  It just needs to go away.

“Good night” — A less common one, I don’t think this one is unique to Mormons so much as it’s just so outdated that nowhere else in the United States still uses it.  I think my grandmother used to say this when I would piss my pants.

“Oh Mylanta.” — I don’t even know where to begin with this one.

“Shut the front door.” — I have to give the Momo’s props on this one, it’s pretty funny.  Some of us heathens here in Utah have even adopted it in a mocking sort of way.  I would suggest everyone give it a try; next time you’re shocked and feel like saying “Shut the fuck up,” give “Shut the front door” a try.  Sometimes (rarely, but sometimes) the less profane way is actually funnier.  Like the first time a friend told me he’d had “butt sex” with a girl.  That just sounds so much funnier than “anal” or any variation, don’t you think?

So there you have it.  Just a few of the things you might soon be hearing coming out of the mouth of our Commander in Chief.

But hey, at least Mormons know we don’t have 57 states…