Football Fashion 101

Football season is almost upon us.  I’ve always been more of a college guy than a pro football fan, and since the NFL has spent most of this summer trying to decide if they want to play or not, I’m going to talk about college.

I have a confession to make.  When it comes to football uniforms I’m as bad of a fashionista as any gay man you’ll ever meet.  I obsess over styles and new looks, I troll message boards looking for a sneak peek of a team’s new alternate uniform.  It’s strange, when it comes to my personal wardrobe I don’t care about much more than my T-shirt not smelling or having food stains.  But when it comes to football fashion I’m obsessed like a girl shopping for shoes.

So, in that spirit, this post will be devoted to the best and worst uniforms in college football.  Obviously this is all my personal opinion, and we all know my opinions tend to infuriate a great many people.  Oh well, deal with it.  You will all have the opportunity for rebuttal in the comments section.

I must note here that my rankings are based on a team’s uniforms as a whole.  Not just their helmets (unless that helmet ruins the whole package), not just their “special” uniforms they broke out for that one game back in 2005.  I will add a few tidbits about spectacularly good or bad special uniforms –like Nike’s Pro-Combat series— but in general these rankings will represent the basic look schools go with most of the time.

Alright, let’s get started with the worst of the worst.

#5–Iowa State

The Cyclones just have a knack for making bad uniforms.  I honestly can’t ever remember them having a cool look.  It’s not like red and gold are that hard to make look decent (see USC or Arizona State).  But Iowa State always seems to manage to look as brutal as possible.  Which is too bad, because given my pure unadulterated hatred for their archrival Iowa I could easily jump on the Cyclones’ bandwagon if they’d just throw me some kind of bone.

#4–Michigan

I know I’m gonna take heat on this one.  I can hear it now.  “Oh, Michigan’s uniforms are so iconic.  And the winged helmets are so classic!”  Oh yeah?  So classic what?  What exactly is that fucking stupid helmet?  Do Wolverines have wings??  Did I miss that episode of National Geographic???  Those wings have nothing to do with anything related to the state of Michigan, the University of Michigan, or the Wolverines mascot.  It’s just a fucking design!  I’ve got an idea, how about every school get one of their gay art students to make up a new helmet.  We can have post-modernist designs on all our helmets that have absolutely nothing to do with anything.

I will admit, the dark blue and the bright yellow look pretty good together.  But I don’t care what any of you say, that helmet is fucking ridiculous.  And if you think it’s cool then you are fucking ridiculous too!

#3–Tennessee

I grew up an Illinois fan, so I have an affinity for the color orange.  But the Vols have the worst shade of orange ever.  It’s brutal.  Somewhere between a hunting jacket and something real orange that was left out to fade in the sun too long.  Add to that the fact that they don’t have a second color to offset it.  Then, on top of that, check out the ridiculously wide stripe on top of their helmets.  There’s nothing good about Tennessee’s uni’s, especially when they go with their all whites on the road.  Just dreadful.

As an aside, in researching this post I came across the following picture.  I have no idea when the Vols wore these outfits (looks like late 70’s, early 80’s to me), but this might just be the worst ensemble ever worn on a football field ever.  Look at the orange and gray checkerboard pattern in the numbers.  Horrific!

#2–Wyoming

Poor Wyoming just doesn’t have a chance.  When your colors are piss and shit there’s just not much you can do.  Do you emphasize the brown?

Or the yellow?

Either way you’re screwed.  I’ve always been mildly offended by those teams that just adopt black as an alternate color even though it’s not an official color of theirs, but if ever there was a school that should embrace black and go with it as much as possible it’s the Pokes.

**Update: Nike has taken over Wyoming’s branding and has tried (and failed) to make them look better this year.  See for yourself.  Brown helmets, really?**

#1–Virginia Tech

Like Wyoming, Va Tech has the deck stacked against it just based on their colors.  Maroon isn’t a terrible color, neither is orange, but the two just don’t go together.  But it takes more than just bad colors to make take top spot in the dreadful uniforms category; there’s plenty of schools out there that have fine colors and manage to fuck it up with idiotic designs (that’s right, Michigan, I’m calling you out again).

But the Hokies have a real gift for choosing awful uniforms.  Whenever you think they’ve topped themselves they always find a way to do something just a little bit worse.  Don’t believe me?  You’ve seen exhibit A, check out exhibits B:

And C:

The worst, plain and simple.  It’s really not even close.

And now that you’ve seen the worst of the worst, here’s the absolute best of the best.

#5–Washington

The Huskies have a bad habit of messing with a good thing.  In recent memory they’ve scrapped their beautiful gold helmets for purple, they’ve gone with an all-black uniform, and they’ve tried all kinds of odd stripes and piping over the years.  But when they stick with their basic, simple look they’re pretty tough to beat.  The gold helmet and purple jersey is a classic and by far the best look on the West Coast.

#4–Georgia

Another classic look.  The Bulldogs not only have the coolest mascot in all of sports (name another school where alums place flowers at the grave of the mascot who reigned during their enrollment; UGA is the coolest, bar none), but they have a simple yet distinctive look that is iconic.  I’m not usually a huge fan of the same color jersey and helmet, but it just fits here.  And the grey pants make a great touch that sets them apart.  In the past couple years they’ve tried using a black jersey for big games and it’s not nearly as good as the original.

#3–South Florida

USF breaks nearly every single one of my rules for football uniforms and yet they still look pretty damn tight.  I hate monochromatic uniforms, and yet the Bulls pull off the all-green look quite well (although I still prefer the green tops and gold pants).  I also prefer their gold helmets to the whites, but clearly they don’t care what I think because they’ve been using the whites a lot more recently, which might knock them off the list by next season.  But still, for a school that’s only had football since 1996 they have a surprisingly clean and classic look.

#2–Ohio State

No wonder half the Buckeyes team is in trouble for selling their jerseys, tOSU’s uni’s are spectacular.  Bold and strong with giant numbers, and there’s nobody else in college football with a plain silver helmet (unlike plain gold, which is worn by no less than five schools at this moment).  The cheaters’ uniforms are plain and simple yet they will never be confused with any other school.  If the NCAA really wanted to punish the Buckeyes for their latest bout of cheating they’d make them change to the godawful Nike Pro Combat uni’s they rolled out for one game in 2009:

#1–Florida State

By far the best helmet in all of football.  And not just because I am biased in favor of all Indian mascots, especially those that have survived the NCAA’s genocide.  (Hey Illinois, see how bad you shit the bed on this one?  How’s that super-cool block I logo working out for you?)

That spear is just badass.  And the uniforms are stellar too.  The garnet jersey with the Indian-style design on the collar and cuffs, the gold pants, it all looks great.  And the ‘Noles also have a unique gift in that, seemingly no matter what they do to mix things up, it still always looks good.  Check out their “Unconquered” all black uniforms they rolled out in 2009 to honor Chief Osceola of the Seminole nation:

Or, when they broke out the garnet pants in the mid-90’s (bought for the team by one of their most famous alums, Burt Reynolds):

Yep, there’s no doubt in my mind that the Seminoles have the best look in all the land.

A few other random tidbits:

–Nike’s Pro Combat uniforms have caused quite a stir the past couple years.  I alluded to some of the worst looks they brought us with Ohio State and Virginia Tech, but they scored a few hits too.  TCU’s “bloodlines” helmet, with red stripes symbolizing the blood a horned frog can shoot from its eyes (don’t ask me, I’ve never seen a real horned frog, but supposedly that’s what they do), and the silver frog skin pants are an outstanding look.  TCU would do well to make this their permanent look.

–Another great Pro Combat hit was last year’s Miami Hurricanes.  It’s loud, it’s bright, it’s obnoxious.  In short, it’s the perfect look for the dirtiest program in college football history.  The green metallic helmets are particularly cool.

–Sometimes traditional and classic is good.  But sometimes it’s just plain boring. Penn State’s entire look is pretty boring, but nobody has a more boring helmet than Nebraska.  C’mon, Huskers, you’re in the Big Ten now, it’s time to get a decent helmet.  Surely there’s a computer somewhere in all of Nebraska that has some different fonts you could play with and find something that’s not so thoroughly dull.

–That being said, I’m a big fan of numbers on the helmets. Alabama’s uniforms overall are pretty average, but the numbers on the helmets are a nice, distinctive touch. Check out this amazing pic of a Bama player who somehow got one of his numbers knocked off of his helmet:

–Big props to Navy for their uniforms.  While they’re not the coolest or the flashiest, I love the fact that they put the Navy logo on one shoulder and Marine Corps on the other.  Very classy.

I stole a whole bunch of pictures to make this post.  Let’s hope no one sues me.  Like an angry Michigan fan.

Let’s play some football!

The List of 5

My girlfriend and I recently had the “List of 5” talk.  You know, like the Friends episode, where they each get to make a list of five people who they would be allowed to cheat on their partner with.

So, after my girlfriend rattled off her list –clearly she’s been thinking about this for awhile– of Jason Statham, some baseball player I’d never heard of, etc. etc., she wanted me to give my list.

Now, I must admit I’ve always been a stats nerd.  I spend hours studying box scores.  I love fantasy football because I can waste an entire summer studying and projecting stats in preparation for our draft.  So, when she put me on the spot to name my list of five, I immediately thought I should play the percentages.  Instead of picking the five hottest women in all the world, who I will most likely never come within ten miles of, I thought my best strategy would be to pick people I might actually have a chance with.

The personal trainer at my gym with the ass that can crack walnuts.

The bartender at my favorite sports bar with the impossibly long legs.

Your cousin.

Well, apparently that’s not how this game is played.  Apparently you are only allowed to put people on your list that you have no chance of actually meeting.  In other words, this list is pure fantasy.  If you actually met someone on your list of five, got to know them, had a vibe with them, I can pretty much guarantee your significant other would find some loophole to remove them from contention.

But… I’m kinda bored tonight, and I don’t know what else to write about, so I’m going to give you my top candidates for the List of 5.  AND I’m going to let you all vote.  Top vote-getter is guaranteed a spot on the list.  So here goes:

(*Note: All ages, heights and measurements were taken off the internet.  I apologize for any mistakes.*)

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Danielle Moinet– 26 years old.  5’10”.  Measurements: 34B-25-34

Since the NFL announced it was becoming a two hand touch league, I’ve been in search of some football where they actually hit people.  And lo and behold, I’m pretty sure the Lingerie Football League is now hitting harder than Troy Polamalu is allowed to anymore.  Danielle plays for the Chicago Bliss, and if the Bears won’t be playing this fall I guess I’ll jump on the Bliss bandwagon.  “Da Bliss” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but Danielle’s beauty will help me get over that pretty quick I think…

Pros: Danielle isn’t some prissy glory seeking offensive player.  She’s a Defensive Back.

Cons:  Been a long time since I strapped on the pads as a high school linebacker.  Not sure I’m ready for full contact with Danielle.

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Jenny McCarthy– 38 years old.  5’6”.  Measurements: 38C-24-34

Besides being drop dead gorgeous, how could you not have a great time with crazy Jenny?  The girl is such a goof and has such an energetic personality.  It would probably drive me nuts after about three days.  But for one night?  Bring it!

Pros: Laughing during sex can be a great turn on.  Unless…

Cons:  Hey, what are you laughing at exactly???

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Paris Hilton– 30 years old.  5’8”.  Measurements: 34B-25-35

I can already sense people shaking their heads at this one.  Remember, this is not my list of girls I want to marry, just hot girls I’d like to spend one night with. Paris is spoiled, high maintenance, sometimes annoying, and possibly has a drug problem.  But she’s also smokin’ fuckin’ hot.  Just look at those legs.  And she banged Brian Urlacher, so you know she’s got good taste.

Pros: I’ve seen her sex tape.  She’s a very talented girl.

Cons: Besides those I previously mentioned?  Can’t really think of any.

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Trisha Lurie– 27 years old.  5’4”. Measurements: 34D-25-35

Just recently discovered Trisha and I have to admit I was instantly smitten.  Look at all that sexy ink!  And those eyes!  She’s blonde and sexy and feminine, but she’s also got a rough edge that I find very appealing.  And she’s also a very talented musician, which leads me to believe she would be quite the screamer in the sack.

 

Pros: Everything.  Absolutely everything.

Cons: I’m still trying to find one.

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Elle Macpherson– 48 years old.  6’0”.  Measurements: 36C-25-35

I think I first fell in love with Elle when I was about 13 years old.  And while she’s quite a bit older now and probably won’t be gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition anymore, it’s not just nostalgia when I say she’s still pretty fucking unbelievable.  She’s always had such style and class, she looks fantastic in either a bikini or an evening gown.

Pros: How many people have a chance to hook up with their first fantasy girl?

Cons: Although the accent is quite sexy, and I have absolutely nothing against Australia (definitely one of my top 3 countries), I’m still a nationalistic, jingoistic, belligerantly pro-American.

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Danica Patrick– 29 years old.  5’2”.  Measurements: 33A-24-34

Not too many short girls make my list, but Danica is a little sparkplug (no, that was not meant to be a racecar joke).  She’s smart, intense, sexy and fiery.  She’s also a Midwestern girl, which I still find very attractive even after all these years away from home.

Pros: Anyone that used to being behind the wheel of a racecar probably knows how to take charge.  I could handle being ridden like a cheap rental car for a night.

Cons:  I find her a lot less attractive since she joined NASCAR…

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Maria Sharapova– 24 years old.  6’2”.  Measurements: 33B-24-34

I do love the tall girls.  She could probably wrap those legs around me twice.  I’m not a big follower of tennis, but she’s a helluva competitor, has fought hard to overcome major shoulder issues.  And have you heard the way she grunts???  That kind of intensity would be something to behold in the bedroom.

Pros: Six-foot-two.  Nothing more to say.

Cons:  Sasha Vujacic?  Really?  Sasha fucking Vujacic???

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Kelli Hutcherson– 22 years old. 5’7”.  Measurements: Unknown

I am a boxing enthusiast, and as such I have a  grudge against most everything related to MMA or UFC.  But I’m making an exception for Strikeforce ring girl Kelli Hutcherson.  One look and I’m sure you can see why.  Hopefully this is just a stepping stone for her to becoming a ring girl for real boxing.

Pros: Tall, blonde and extremely fit.  Clearly a sports fan.  (See the effect she has on me, I just referred to ultimate fighting as a “sport.”)

Cons: Think she has any jealous boyfriends in the MMA world?  I like to think I’m a fairly tough guy, but I’m pretty certain I’d lose that fight.

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Ricki Raxxx– 30 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 36F-24-36

Let’s face it, as long as I’m fantasizing I might as well put a porn star on the list.  Ricki certainly doesn’t fit my normal type, she’s not tall or blonde or athletic (well, a different kind of athletic I suppose!), but there’s just something about her that gets me goin’.  Probably the boobs.

 

Pros: 36F.  Need I say more?

Cons: After some of the porn cocks she’s had, I might need to strap a board to my ass so I don’t fall in…

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Sarah Shahi– 31 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 34C-24-35

I’ve been a big fan of Sarah for a long time.  When she was a smokin’ hot lesbian on The L Word, when she was a smokin’ hot cop on Life (great show, wish it hadn’t gotten cancelled), I even saw a little independent film called Shades of Ray because she was in it (surprisingly good, BTW).

 

Pros: If you ever saw the way she moved in The L Word no other explanation would be necessary.

Cons:  Used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  I hate the Cowboys.

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Wendy Rider– 32 years old.  5’9”.  Measurements: 36D-25-34

Yeah, I like buff girls.  And Wendy is chiseled!  Look at those abs, those legs, and of course the pierced nipple.  She calls herself the Muscle Barbie and it is a truly perfect description.  If they made Barbie dolls like her I probably would have played with dolls when I was a kid.

 

Pros: Tall, blonde and beautiful.  What more can you ask for?

Cons: Still thinking… Let me get back to you.

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Jenn Sterger– 27 years old.  5’5”.  Measurements: 36-24-33

Long before the NFL’s all-time interception leader made her a household name, I was a proud member of the Jenn Sterger fanclub.  In fact, when she first appeared on TV during the 2005 Florida State-Miami game in her trademark tank top and cowboy hat I was sold.  As she’s become more prominent and her wit and sports knowledge has become more obvious, I’ve only become more obsessed.

Pros: Seminoles fan.  I’ve always liked the ‘Noles, and now that my alma mater has killed their mascot I’ve declared myself a de facto ‘Nole for life.

Cons: Jenn recently had her breast implants removed.  Now, I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker; I’m a total shape guy (as you see from the wide range of bust sizes on this list).  But not having seen any post-implant pics, I can’t be sure.

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Voting is now open!

Random Thoughts

No story this time, just some random thoughts that have been buzzing around in my head.

The Godfather is the greatest movie ever made.  It’s not even close, nothing else is even in the same league.  They should make a new name for what kind of art The Godfather is, because trying to compare it to other movies is like comparing Michael Jordan’s basketball skills to my rec league’s talent pool.  Part II is also in the top 5, and Part III, for all the criticism it receives, is still top 10.  Too bad Mario Puzo died before they could complete the story for Part IV.  Puzo said in an interview that it would have been similar to Part II, with two storylines, one a continuation of Vincent’s story and the other a flashback to Don Vito’s ascension to power during Prohibition.  Who wouldn’t watch that?

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive?  What about Vikings, Spartans and Trojans?

–Ray Lewis killed a man and still gets TV endorsements.  Maybe Old Spice should change their marketing slogan to, “We can even get the smell of blood off you.”

–No woman has ever been able to make me climax from just a blow job.  And yet, I consider the BJ to be the most important skill a woman can possess in the bedroom.

–I am the Cleveland Browns of fantasy football.  I’ve won a championship but it was so long ago no one remembers it.

Yeah it looks like a shithole, but it's a great place to drink at 3am.

–It’s an insult to call Reno a poor man’s Las Vegas.  An insult to Vegas, that is.  Las Vegas is paradise on earth, a bastion of sin and depravity and debauchery.  Reno is a mid-sized city with a couple casinos.  But if you ever find yourself in Reno, I suggest a bar called Tonic.  It’s an easy cab ride from the casinos and it’s open long past when the casino bars shut down.  One night in Tonic I was witness to an amazing trifecta.  My boss was making out with a guy who wasn’t her boyfriend.  Another co-worker was making out with a guy who wasn’t her fiancee.  And my lesbian friend Shane was making out with a guy who wasn’t a girl.  I’ll let you figure out which of those three lucky guys I was…

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive?  What about Cowboys, Miners and Lumberjacks?

–How did we survive before cell phones?  I’m not even talking about the convenience of having a phone on you at all times, for emergenices or being able to make changes to your plans on the fly, yada yada yada.  Forget all that crap.  I mean how did we survive before drunk texting?  And before I call send pictures of my penis to girls?  Not to mention being able to avoid assholes at work by simply whipping out your cell phone and pretending to talk to someone?

–I love freckles but moles feak me out.  I know, it’s a fine line, and I couldn’t explain it to you if I had to.  But freckles on a girl are hot, especially on the cleavage.  Moles on the other hand… well, I swear they start talking to me when I’m drunk.

–I was a Jenn Sterger fan long before that douchebag Brett Favre made her famous.

Jenn Sterger

–The first four girls I slept with all had names that started with the letter S.  For a long time I thought I was cursed.  My game is bad enough as it is, if you cut my odds to 1/26th I might as well just give up.

–I’m not afraid of dying alone.  But drinking alone depresses me.

–The only movie I’ve ever cried at is Rocky III.  How could it not break your heart when Mick is dying in the locker room while Rocky is getting bludgeoned by Clubber Lang?  And then after the fight when Balboa, bloodied and beaten, lies to Mick in his last moments, telling him he won?  If that doesn’t get to you then you’re some kind of robot.

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive?  What about Canucks, Ragin’ Cajuns and Fightin’ Irish?

–I might just be the world’s biggest Jewel fan.  Go ahead, laugh all you want. I’ve heard it all before and I don’t care.  Jewel’s music is magical.  I’ve seen her in concert seven times (and it’d be more if I hadn’t moved to End Of The World, UT), and I have approximately 250 Jewel songs on my iPod.  I know, it doesn’t exactly fit with all my stories of drinking, swearing and attempted fornicating.  What can I say, I’m a complicated man.

–Muhammed Ali is the most overrated fighter in boxing history, and possibly the most overrated athlete ever.  (And no, I’m not just saying that because I hate draft dodgers and Muslim terrorists.)  Everyone talks about how Ali beat Joe Frazier two out of three times, but they never mention that both boxers were pretty much washed up and at the end of their careers for the last two fights.  In the only fight that truly matters, the first one, when both fighters were undefeated, Frazier beat Ali soundly, nearly knocking him out in the 15th round and winning on all three scorecards.  Smokin’ Joe is the greatest fighter of that era, it’s not even up for debate.

–In the first 30 years of my life the extent of my criminal record consisted of one speeding ticket.  That’s it.  But then I moved to Utah.  Within 3 months I had been arrested for DUI (later plead down to reckless driving, thank you very much.)  Then I got a public urination.  Oh yeah, and I’ve gotten another speeding ticket.  If I stay here in Mormonland much longer I’ll have to stop making jokes about Ray Lewis.

–I’m not really into lesbian porn.  I like to see hot girls getting fucked by guys.  Some people might think that’s gay.  But my fantasy is to fuck a busty blonde pornstar, not watch her fuck another girl (not that that would be all that bad either).

–The greatest line in movie history comes from V for Vendetta: “People should not be afraid of their governments.  Governments should be afraid of their people.”

–Why are Indian mascots the only ones that are considered offensive?  What about Friars, Demon Deacons and Crusaders?