Ode to the Bikini- The Director’s Cut!


No, that's not me. I'm not that fat. Yet.

My first re-post.  I swear it’s not because I’m lazy, or running out of material, or even because I’m suffering from writer’s block (which I am).  Nope, I just love bikinis that much.  And with warm weather coming our way it’s time to celebrate my favorite time of year.  So enjoy this oldie but goodie, with a few extra goodies for your viewing enjoyment.

It’s almost my favorite time of year.  That’s right, the time of year when it finally gets hot enough outside for girls to start wearing their bikinis.

I have an odd, borderline creepy fetish for a woman in a bikini.  Forget lingerie, forget French maid outfits, forget Catholic schoolgirl costumes.  If a girl really wants to drive me nuts, just come to my bed in a string bikini.  And let me untie the strings.

I know none of you really give a shit about the history of the bikini so I’ll keep it brief.  The modern bikini was invented in 1946 by Frenchman Louis Reard, which I believe makes him, after Joan of Arc, exactly the second French person in their entire history worth remembering.  Reard named the bikini after the Bikini Atoll islands in the South Pacific, where atomic bomb testing was going on.  The implication, of course, was that this shocking new piece of women’s clothing would cause shockwaves the world over.  And god damn if he wasn’t right!

I’m not sure exactly where my personal obsession with the bikini came from.  It might have been the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, and the original Bond girl Honey Rider (aka Ursula Andress).

Or it might have been the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and the most beautiful woman who ever lived, Elle Macpherson.  (Too bad she’s a socialist.)

Whatever it was, I’m still hooked to this day.  Follow me on a quick journey through some of the styles, motifs and uses for the modern bikini….

The bikini has evolved by leaps and bounds since its introduction 65 years ago.  There are so many cuts and styles it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight.  But here are just a few:

The traditional bikini.

The triangle top.  Less fabric, more skin.

The string bikini.  Nothing quite like untying one of these.  One little pull on the waist or behind the neck and voila!

Strapless.  Makes for better tan lines.

The teardrop.  Even less fabric.

Slingshot.  Not very functional, but extremely eye catching.

The see thru.  Probably not appropriate for most public outings, but if you have sexy pierced nipples like these why not?

Stringless.  Only for the truly brave, and those with an absolutely amazing body.

Fishnet.  Similar to the see thru, not for the faint of heart, or places with obscenity laws.

The sports bra, or beach volleyball bikini.  For the athletes.  Rockin’ abs not required, but definitely appreciated.

But the versatility of the bikini doesn’t end just with different styles.  The bikini can also be an expression of your personality, your passion and your allegiances:

First and foremost among these is patriotism.  There is nothing sexier than a girl showing her love of country with a red, white and blue ensemble.  If this doesn’t make you “stand at attention” then you’re probably a pinko commie.

Alongside love of country, camouflage shows a deep respect  and appreciation of our military.

Similarly, love of your home state (in this case Texas) can be very hot.  I wish I was from Texas.

But if you really want to get a guy’s attention, show your devotion to your favorite sports team.  DA BEARS!!

Alas, my girlfriend hates the Bears (she’s a fucking Vikqueens fan), so that’s out of the question.  And they don’t make Chief Illiniwek bikinis.  But I have convinced her to wear this Buffalo Sabres bikini.  I can almost guarantee premature ejaculation is in store…

And while I am so adamantly jingoistic and nationalist it clouds my judgment on anyone who’s not American, even I can grudgingly admit some of these foreign girls look pretty good rockin’ their countries’ colors:

I will be the first to admit, the bikini isn’t for everyone.  Not every girl can pull it off.  But, that being said, the bikini can accommodate a wide range of body types:

It’s perfect for girls who want to show off their surgically enhanced breasts.

But I don’t discriminate.  It looks great on the flat chested girls too.

Buff girls look especially hot in bikinis.

So good, in fact, they deserve some extra love.

And even the voluptuous girls can still look good in one.

But I have to draw the line somewhere!

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I apologize, won’t happen again.  But bikinis are also great for showing off a woman’s ink.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I love the bikini.  It really does make most everything better.  For instance, bikinis make scenery shots a thousand times better.  Tell me you don’t want to visit these places more after seeing a girl like this in the pic.

Bikinis are so fucking hot they even look great on pornstars, and they get naked for a living!

Vegas has cashed in on bikini mania by opening pool parties at all the major casinos.  I am a huge fan of this.  The only thing hotter than a beautiful girl using the bikini for it’s originally intended purpose, swimming…

…is beautiful women wearing bikinis as their club outfit, with no intention of ever getting in the pool…

And so there you have it.  My ode to the bikini.  Thank god summer is almost here!  I’ll be out by the pool every chance I get, sippin’ on pool smoothies (that’s right, smoothies and vodka) and hoping to see something like this:

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4 Comments

  1. […] SWASS […]

  2. I do recall reading this post before, but it’s the kind of post that DEMANDS to be reposted 😀

  3. […] SWASS […]

  4. Oof! This is good stuff!


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