Ace in the Hole

This is a story my buddy Ace sent me a little while back.  Since the majority of my stories end in epic failure, I thought it’d be nice to read about someone actually hitting paydirt for a change.

It was two days before Cinco de Mayo.  As much as I love Cinco, my fiesta came just a little early this year.

I’d been drinking on and off all day and had a decent buzz goin’ when I went to one of my favorite bars, the Glass Turtle, which has $3 you-call-its on Tuesday nights.  I had rolled there by myself but I knew there’d be plenty of people I knew and I wasn’t disappointed, running into Drew Down and Mr. Never On Time almost immediately.  It had the makings of a good night.

Mr. Never On Time and I were making our way through the bar when we saw this hot red head girl.  She had the body of an athlete, maybe a sexy softball player, but she still looked very feminine.  Great tan, big ass tits and a personality to match.  Mr. Never On Time and I exchanged a few lewd but approving comments as we went past her, and she must have heard them because she stepped in front of us to cut us off.  She said she wanted me to buy her a drink.  I told her there was potential for such but I didn’t just hand out free drinks to anyone.  She then proceeded to offer to do a “trick” in exchange for a drink.  I was intrigued.  Not sold yet, but definitely intrigued.

She started shaking her tits in my face.  Well I’d be a fool if I still wasn’t buying at that point.  She just kept sticking those ridiculously nice breasts in my face.  Call me a sucker, but she had my attention.  But it got better.  Next she proceeded to flex her tits like a body builder.  It was fucking hot!  She even lowered her shirt and let me touch them.  Very nice.  This, in my mind, was going somewhere.  Until…

And then some girl calls my name.  Now, I don’t wanna sound like an ass, but lots of people know my name around here.  It’s not arrogance, just fact.  So this girl calls my name and I have no idea who she is.  She says I may not know who she is but she is “well aware” of who I am.  I was puzzled but very intrigued.  She was blonde with a nice rack poking out from her black shirt and a solid ass wrapped up tight in her jeans.

She said her name was Mandi and she invited me to come sit outside on the patio with her and her friend Candi.  Candi could have been her sister, blonde with a nice lean body and a flat stomach.  I love flat stomachs, not washboard abs mind you, but a nice toned stomach.

So I kicked it with these two girls outside until last call came around.  By this point I was hammered.  I’d been drinking Crown, Kettle, beer and god knows what else since mid-day.  Sometimes I think I don’t do anything different from when I was 16 years old.  But oh well, I was hangin’ with two hot white girls.  Life was good and things were about to get crackin’.

We drank ‘til last call and I was just beginning to wonder how I was going to get one or both of these girls home with me when a friend I hadn’t seen in ages appeared out of nowhere.  We caught up on life real quick (because there were more pressing matters to attend to) and then he invited all of us back to his house for some post-partying.  I made sure he had booze because that was the only way I rollin’ there.  I had a hot chick with me and all I wanted to do was drink and fuck.  He assured me there was indeed alcohol so we rounded everyone up and headed for his place.

His place was really close to the bar, which is a good thing because I don’t think anyone should have been driving that night.  Along with the two blonde girls we had picked up a few of my buds, Reggie and Matty.  Not a good girl-to-guy ratio, but since I already had my target I didn’t mind.

Almost as soon as we walked in the door Mandi started looking for a bedroom.  I barely even got myself a drink made.  I wanted to fuck her just as bad she wanted to fuck me but I suggested we use the bathroom instead of someone’s bedroom.  That’s just rude.

When we got in the bathroom shit got wild.  I felt like I was in a porno movie, it was that good.  The bathroom was newly remodeled and very clean, I felt a little bad defiling it, but as soon as she started taking off her clothes I forgot all about that.  We both stripped down and I started sucking on her great titties.  She didn’t waste any time dropping to her knees and sucking me off.  Then I bent her over the sink and started hittin’ it from behind.  That was cool for several minutes, then I pulled out and had her suck my rod again.  (Yeah, I was drunk and hit it bareback.  Not smart but what’re ya gonna do?)  I fucked that pussy real good and she gave me all the much-appreciated compliments on my dick.  It was awesome.

Then I started getting creative.  I had her sit on the sink, I got a boost from the neighboring toilet seat and started hittin’ it with her right leg over my shoulder and her left leg spread out wide.  That was cool too.  It was fucking hot the way she kept yelling “fuck my pussy!” like we really were making a porno flick.  But then it was time for the rodeo.  I laid down on the fresh new tile and she rode me like a pro.  That was great too.  She rode the shit out of me and kept talking dirty the whole time.

Then she told me to stick it in her butt.

I was totally unprepared for this.  My first thought was, “How the fuck is my dick gonna get in there?”  But this girl was a true professional.  She turned on the sink and used the water as lube, albeit not a very good one.  Once my cock finally went in she was in ecstasy.  My dick, not so much.  I felt like her ass was going to pull the skin right off.  (Thank god I was drunk.)

Now, I had sodomized a girl before, but that was by accident.  (Editor’s Note: Ace, someday you HAVE to tell me how you “accidentally” sodomized a girl!)  The only embarrassing part was that after the butt sex I was so surprised and shocked that I couldn’t nut.  Or maybe that was just the whiskey dick finally setting in.  We’d been going at it for near 45 minutes.  So finally we got dressed and emerged from the bathroom like nothing had happened.

Meanwhile, Mandi’s friend Candi was apparently just as horny, because she was all over my buddy Matty.  As soon as we came out of the bathroom she pulled him into the same bathroom and went to town.

I had gone from seeing some redhead’s tits stuck in my face to sticking my dick in some chick’s ass in a matter of hours, and now my buddy was getting’ some too.  What a night.

But by this time it was getting really late (I was too drunk to know for sure, but it had to be near 4 in the morning) and Tim wanted everyone to get the fuck out of his house so he could go to bed.  I was drunk and spent so I was ready to go too.  Somebody interrupted Candi and Matty in the bathroom and told them it was time to go.  Instead of just leaving and finding someplace else to finish, this crazy bitch wanted to talk shit.  She started mouthin’ off to Tim, saying he was just mad that he wasn’t getting any.  Maybe true, but still way out of line.

Candi just kept talkin’ shit and wouldn’t shut up.  She had a fire in her eyes, probably ‘cause her fuck got interrupted.  She got so worked up she took a swing at Tim!  Popped him right in the eye and made it swell up.  I felt bad for him.  He had invited us all over to his place and now he just wanted to go to bed.  I had no beef with him.  For all his generosity he got socked in the eye by a crazy bitch that he couldn’t hit back.  So he kicked us all out.

And on our way out the door this crazy bitch punched out his window!  Now, when you punch glass, your hand is likely to get fucked up.  Hers was all cut up but fortunately for her it wasn’t too bad, no deep cuts or anything that would likely be permanent.  She got lucky.  We also somehow avoided the cops, which is amazing considering how much commotion we were causing at 4 in the morning.

So we piled in my buddy’s car and took off.  I took off my undershirt and told Candi to wrap her hand up.  She was lucky to have a new friend like me.  And I was already starting to think maybe I could get a threesome out of Mandi and her crazy bitch friend.  That would be fucking awesome.

We ended up back at my buddy’s place, where the crazy bitch was finally able to properly wash her hand out and stop the bleeding.  It was nasty, believe me.  My undershirt was a total loss.

But meanwhile, Mandi reminded me that she wanted to fuck again, maybe next weekend.  I told her that was a fine idea and even suggested she invite her friend Mike Tyson for a threesome.

I sure hope it happens.

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Butt Sex: It’s Not For Everyone

I have a very limited experience with anal sex.  For some people that would be a source of great regret.  But the truth is, I’m ok with it.  There are many things in life I’m still hoping to experience: a threesome, sex in a tanning booth, a girl that doesn’t speak a word of English, cumming in a girl’s ear…. ok, I made that last one up, but you get the idea.  But anal sex just isn’t a priority for me.  I’m perfectly content with a tight pussy and a wet mouth.

My only incident with anal sex came when I was dating an Asian girl, who we’ll call Sun-Yi.  Sun-Yi was a lot of fun, she had a nice little body and was an absolute freak in bed.  This girl had no limits.  She had amazing muscular control of her pussy, she could basically milk my cock without me even having to move.  And she absolutely loved giving blow jobs and had excellent deep throat skills, plus she loved gagging to get that extra inch down her throat.

But by far the best thing about Sun-Yi was that, because of her apparent lack of experience with non-Asian men, she thought my average penis was just massive.  Let me tell you, there are few things in life that are a bigger turn on than fucking a girl and having her scream at the top of her lungs how much she loves your huge cock.  It reminds me of the old joke, “Find yourself a girl with small hands, it makes your dick look bigger.”  It’s all relative, folks.

Sun-Yi was also into anal sex, and although she was rather nervous about taking my “huge” dick up her pooper, she was absolutely hell bent on trying.

The first time we decided to give it a try she had a few drinks to relax before we got to work.  I managed to get the head in before she started having second thoughts.  Gasping and sputtering about how big I was, reaching a hand behind her to hold me back, I was already pretty certain this wasn’t going to work.  But give the girl credit, she was determined.  After taking a minute to get used to it, she told me to start pushing very very slowly.

And so I spent the next 10 minutes slowly drilling into her ass while she laid facedown on the bed, groaning and cursing and slapping the mattress like a pro wrestler caught in the figure-four leglock.  She clearly wasn’t enjoying herself despite her claims to the contrary.  And it wasn’t all that good for me either; sure, her ass was tight as a vice, but I could barely move, let alone stroke, so it was pretty much a waste.

When I had about four inches in her butthole she turned her head back towards me and asked, “Is that all of it?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Uh… about half, babe.”  She collapsed back on the bed. “Well, maybe a little more than half…”  I tried to console her, but she was deflated and defeated.

“I can’t do it,” she whimpered. “I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

I have to admit, I didn’t mind at all.  This buttfucking stuff wasn’t nearly as much fun as it looked like in porn.  And to be honest, the ego boost of having this self-proclaimed lover of anal be unable to handle me was better than any buggering could ever be.

Sun-Yi and I lived in different states so it would be about a month before we got to spend another weekend together.  And clearly in that time she had been thinking about her failure.  She was eager for a rematch with my penis.  We were making out on her couch, slowly disrobing as we prepared to go at it when she said she wanted to try anal again.  I had already started fingering her pussy when she asked me to finger her asshole.  Alright, I can do that. Getting a finger wet with her juices I slowly started penetrating her ass. No problem there, and she quickly asked for a second finger. Soon I had two fingers buried to the knuckle inside her, just pluggin’ away.  Sun-Yi was in heaven, moaning and grinding her pelvis into the couch cushions.  Her ass was slowly loosening and I was just beginning to think this could possibly work.

And then I felt something.

Yep, I was definitely touching shit way up in her asshole.  It was one of the most mortifying moments of my life.  I pulled my fingers out of her ass so quick it made a popping sound, taking her breath away.  “Uh, babe,” I said, “I don’t know exactly how to say this, but you’re kind of messy down there.”  And then I ran to the bathroom to wash my hands.  Repeatedly.

We never tried anal again.

We broke up shortly after that.  No, it had nothing to do with the anal.  The big issue was that, although she’s by far the biggest freak I’ve ever had sex with, she also was really into Jesus.  And although I am very respectful of other people’s beliefs I’m not a religious person myself.  This bothered her to no end.  I agreed to try going to church with her, but I told her not to get her hopes up and expect me to “see the light” just because I sat through a service.  It also bothered her immensely that, because I’m not passionate about any one faith, I can be annoyingly objective about all faiths.  One time she was badmouthing Catholics as “not real Christians,” to which I responded, “I don’t know much, but I’m pretty sure Catholics are the original Christians.”  That did not sit well with her, and shortly thereafter she dumped me.

But I have no animosity.  I can honestly say I hope she found herself a nice God-fearing man who could give her the butthole pleasures I never could.