Bikini Mondays 6/18

Thinking about moving to Australia…

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The Almost Threesome

Writer’s block is finally gone!  Enjoy!

One night in Vegas I almost had a threesome.

But it wasn’t the right kind of threesome.  If you know what I mean.

Alright, perhaps I should explain.  My buddy Tripod and I were at this bar off The Strip called The Beach.  The Beach was my favorite spot in Vegas until it closed down a few years ago.  It was a solid mix of tourists and locals, so it wasn’t a total tourist trap but there were still enough young out-of-town girls looking to make some poor decisions.  The staff at The Beach were all bikini-clad girls and board shorts-clad guys, so there was eye candy for all.  It had a giant dance floor right in the middle, with the entire upper level surrounding and overlooking the floor so you could ogle the girls if you didn’t feel like wading in.

The dance floor itself was hot and steamy, with a constant supply of bar napkins being hurled into the air and fluttering down upon the crowd.  The bikini girls behind the bar and working the beer tubs were also available for “body shots,” which consisted of them spraying dabs of whipped cream on their ass, stomach and cleavage, followed by a test tube full of weak liquor between their boobs.  It was nothing short of a hedonistic delight.

(On my first-ever trip to The Beach I was so drunk from drinking triple gin and tonics –known to the rest of the world as gin on the rocks– that when they announced a limbo contest on the dance floor I immediately volunteered.  I made it through the first round because I’m pretty sure the bar was still higher than my head.  The second round though, with the bar around my nose, I was so hammered that when I tried to lower myself six inches I somehow managed to fall flat on my face.  And so began my love affair with this magical place.)

On this night, Tripod and I were already well sauced when we got to The Beach around 9.  Like most Vegas bars, it really didn’t get busy until after 11, so for two hours we didn’t do much but drink and stare at the bikini girls.  But soon the place started filling up, and we quickly found out that there was a big NASCAR race in town that weekend.  I’m not a NASCAR fan myself, I have too many teeth to be accepted into that club, but surprisingly we found a couple of NASCAR girls that weren’t bad looking at all.  There were two of them, both blonde, and Tripod pounced upon them as only he can.  Unfortunately, we discovered they were there with two guys.  Two very NASCAR-y guys.  Shirts, hats, chew in the back pocket of their Wranglers, the works.  These guys couldn’t have been older than mid-20’s, but they were well on their way to being the stereotypical middle-aged NASCAR redneck.

Tripod was undaunted though.  He waded into the fray, chumming it up with the guys (I’m fairly certain neither of them had ever spoken with a Mexican before, and absolutely certain they’d never done shots with a 4’4”, 240-pound Mexican).  In short order Tripod discovered that one of the girls was indeed dating one of the guys, but the other (the hotter one) was single, although it was pretty clear that the second guy was very interested in her.  Retreating for a quick strategy session, it was determined that I should run interference on the guy while Tripod tried to work on the single girl.

And I tried.  Swear to God, I really tried.  But I could barely understand what these guys were saying.  Now, I’m no snob, I grew up in the Midwest, and I’m proud to say I’m a product of the “flyover states.”  But these guys were at a whole ‘nother level of redneckedness.  They said things like “fixin’” and “You better don’t.”  And they were utterly clueless when it came to football, which was really my only hope of distracting them.  (I had been looking forward to a heated debate of SEC versus Big 10 football.)

Eventually I realized I had little hope of distracting him, so I moved to Plan B.  Acting like I was stupid drunk (not much of a stretch) I stood between where Tripod and the girl were sitting and where the NASCAR guy was sitting.  Then I swayed and staggered, shifting from side to side in order to block his view while Tripod worked his game on the girl.  The guy would lean to one side to try and look around me, I’d pretend to drunkenly stagger a step or two in that direction to block his vision.  It was fun.  And effective.

But at some point the alcohol got the better of me and I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on, because the next thing I knew Tripod was telling me the four NASCAR people were heading to a strip club and he was going to tag along with them.  “I think I can nail her,” he said.

I may have been shitfaced, but I knew this was a bad idea.

“Dude, you can’t go off with them, you may never come back.”

Tripod assured me it was cool, the girl wanted him to come with them.  I told him that was irrelevant, the jealous guy and his friend may just decide to beat his ass and leave him in the desert.  But Tripod was adamant.  Details are sketchy, but I think I refused to go in hopes it would deter Tripod from going.  But that failed miserably and soon I was all by myself at the bar while Tripod was off in a cab to the strip club.

Alone at the best bar in Vegas, I proceeded to drink even more and stumble around the place to check out the girls.  And did I mention I kept drinking?

It was sometime after 3 in the morning when I met a girl at the main bar, nursing a drink by herself.  She wasn’t anything special, skinny but without much shape, brunette with a cute face but a bad set of teeth.  But she had a couple tattoos poking out of her black tank top, which I always take as a sign of sluttiness.  I bought her a drink and we chatted for a while.  I discovered she was a stripper at a place I had never heard of in Vegas (which is to say, not one of the better strip clubs), but as I had never banged a stripper before I thought this would be a great opportunity.  I mean, twenty years down the road when I tell people “I banged a Las Vegas stripper,”  people aren’t going to interrogate me on how hot she was, they’re just going to be in awe of my prowess.

At last call I felt like things were still going well, and being in Vegas (where there are no rules) and being utterly hammered, I just went right in for the kill.  “So, you wanna go back to your place?”

“Maybe,” she answered.  I thought she was just being coy.

But then she dropped the bomb.

“I just have to check with my boyfriend first.”

A long, drunken pause as my mind tried to process this.  “Your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, he’s the DJ here, I’m waiting for him to get off.”

The look on my face must have been more confusion than disappointment.  She elaborated, “It’s cool, we have an open relationship.  I just need to see what he’s up to tonight, but I’m sure you can come back with us.”

Now, there aren’t many moments in my life where I regret drinking as much as I do (other than the hangovers), but this is definitely one of them.  My gin-soaked mind simply couldn’t process where exactly this was heading.

Does she want me to fuck her in front of her boyfriend?  Does she want him to join us?  Does she want to be double teamed?  Or does she want to double team me?

Had I been less hammered or had she been more hot I might have explored this further, asked the questions to ascertain what exactly was on the table.  But I wasn’t sober and she wasn’t that hot, so I quickly extricated from the situation.

And just as I was walking for the door, I got a call from Tripod.  He was in a cab, by himself, and so drunk he couldn’t remember what hotel we were staying at.  I told him, but then he admitted he also had no money to pay the cabbie.  “Well,” I sighed, “just have him come here and pick me up and I’ll cover it.”

A perfect end to a perfect night.  Tripod struck out, I struck out, and we went to bed alone.

Not all Vegas stories have happy endings.

Still Suffering From Writer’s Block

Hopefully something will kick it free soon.  Like some political rantings maybe:

Or sports.  Football is a long ways off and all my hockey teams are out of the playoffs (although I have a small amount of love for the poor Phoenix Coyotes), but Team USA is doing well in the World Championships.  They buried defending champs and host Finland 5-0 over the weekend:

If all else fails there’s always boobs:

I have a feeling alcohol has in some way been responsible for my total brain shutdown, but maybe more alcohol can jump start it again:

And if all else fails, try the boobs again!

Or maybe a little ass just to mix it up:

Something’s gotta work sooner or later.  Bear with me.

Ode to the Bikini- The Director’s Cut!

No, that's not me. I'm not that fat. Yet.

My first re-post.  I swear it’s not because I’m lazy, or running out of material, or even because I’m suffering from writer’s block (which I am).  Nope, I just love bikinis that much.  And with warm weather coming our way it’s time to celebrate my favorite time of year.  So enjoy this oldie but goodie, with a few extra goodies for your viewing enjoyment.

It’s almost my favorite time of year.  That’s right, the time of year when it finally gets hot enough outside for girls to start wearing their bikinis.

I have an odd, borderline creepy fetish for a woman in a bikini.  Forget lingerie, forget French maid outfits, forget Catholic schoolgirl costumes.  If a girl really wants to drive me nuts, just come to my bed in a string bikini.  And let me untie the strings.

I know none of you really give a shit about the history of the bikini so I’ll keep it brief.  The modern bikini was invented in 1946 by Frenchman Louis Reard, which I believe makes him, after Joan of Arc, exactly the second French person in their entire history worth remembering.  Reard named the bikini after the Bikini Atoll islands in the South Pacific, where atomic bomb testing was going on.  The implication, of course, was that this shocking new piece of women’s clothing would cause shockwaves the world over.  And god damn if he wasn’t right!

I’m not sure exactly where my personal obsession with the bikini came from.  It might have been the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, and the original Bond girl Honey Rider (aka Ursula Andress).

Or it might have been the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and the most beautiful woman who ever lived, Elle Macpherson.  (Too bad she’s a socialist.)

Whatever it was, I’m still hooked to this day.  Follow me on a quick journey through some of the styles, motifs and uses for the modern bikini….

The bikini has evolved by leaps and bounds since its introduction 65 years ago.  There are so many cuts and styles it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight.  But here are just a few:

The traditional bikini.

The triangle top.  Less fabric, more skin.

The string bikini.  Nothing quite like untying one of these.  One little pull on the waist or behind the neck and voila!

Strapless.  Makes for better tan lines.

The teardrop.  Even less fabric.

Slingshot.  Not very functional, but extremely eye catching.

The see thru.  Probably not appropriate for most public outings, but if you have sexy pierced nipples like these why not?

Stringless.  Only for the truly brave, and those with an absolutely amazing body.

Fishnet.  Similar to the see thru, not for the faint of heart, or places with obscenity laws.

The sports bra, or beach volleyball bikini.  For the athletes.  Rockin’ abs not required, but definitely appreciated.

But the versatility of the bikini doesn’t end just with different styles.  The bikini can also be an expression of your personality, your passion and your allegiances:

First and foremost among these is patriotism.  There is nothing sexier than a girl showing her love of country with a red, white and blue ensemble.  If this doesn’t make you “stand at attention” then you’re probably a pinko commie.

Alongside love of country, camouflage shows a deep respect  and appreciation of our military.

Similarly, love of your home state (in this case Texas) can be very hot.  I wish I was from Texas.

But if you really want to get a guy’s attention, show your devotion to your favorite sports team.  DA BEARS!!

Alas, my girlfriend hates the Bears (she’s a fucking Vikqueens fan), so that’s out of the question.  And they don’t make Chief Illiniwek bikinis.  But I have convinced her to wear this Buffalo Sabres bikini.  I can almost guarantee premature ejaculation is in store…

And while I am so adamantly jingoistic and nationalist it clouds my judgment on anyone who’s not American, even I can grudgingly admit some of these foreign girls look pretty good rockin’ their countries’ colors:

I will be the first to admit, the bikini isn’t for everyone.  Not every girl can pull it off.  But, that being said, the bikini can accommodate a wide range of body types:

It’s perfect for girls who want to show off their surgically enhanced breasts.

But I don’t discriminate.  It looks great on the flat chested girls too.

Buff girls look especially hot in bikinis.

So good, in fact, they deserve some extra love.

And even the voluptuous girls can still look good in one.

But I have to draw the line somewhere!

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I apologize, won’t happen again.  But bikinis are also great for showing off a woman’s ink.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I love the bikini.  It really does make most everything better.  For instance, bikinis make scenery shots a thousand times better.  Tell me you don’t want to visit these places more after seeing a girl like this in the pic.

Bikinis are so fucking hot they even look great on pornstars, and they get naked for a living!

Vegas has cashed in on bikini mania by opening pool parties at all the major casinos.  I am a huge fan of this.  The only thing hotter than a beautiful girl using the bikini for it’s originally intended purpose, swimming…

…is beautiful women wearing bikinis as their club outfit, with no intention of ever getting in the pool…

And so there you have it.  My ode to the bikini.  Thank god summer is almost here!  I’ll be out by the pool every chance I get, sippin’ on pool smoothies (that’s right, smoothies and vodka) and hoping to see something like this:

Last Day to Join the Bowl Pick ‘Em Challenge

First game kicks off at 2pm Eastern tomorrow.  Here’s the link.  Come on, you know you want to…

And on a personal note, I have a new nemesis.  Someone decided to challenge my supremacy by signing up for the challenge under the name “Single Brown Alcoholic.”  Well guess what buddy?  Now it’s a race war!

(I’m only kidding.  SBA is actually the infamous Blackout that’s made so many of my stories.  But I’m still gonna kick his ass!)

Special thanks to Tempe12.com for their outrageously hot pics.  If I ever have a son he’s going to be a Sun Devil!

The SWASS Bowl Pick ‘Em Challenge

I love college football.  And although it’s been a little tough to watch this year (I don’t know what’s worse, the Sandusky scandal or the proliferation of the spread offense), I am still a fanatic.  And I love bowl games.  I know they’re not an ideal system, but rather than whine and moan about how much better a playoff would be, I prefer to just love the bowls the way they are.  Think of them like your not-quite-all-there child, your love has to be unconditional.

But I have a problem with most bowl pools.  Basically, all pick ’em leagues fall into one of two categories: Either all games are weighted the same –so that big FIU-Marshall matchup is worth the same as the National Championship– or you pick your “confidence” and self-rate the importance of the bowls –so you can actually make the National Championship the least important game.

So, after spending the better part of a week scouring the internet high and low, I finally found a site that would allow me to customize my own scoring system.  For the curious, here’s how I broke it down:

-Each unranked non-AQ (automatic qualifier) is worth 1 point.

-Each unranked AQ team is worth 2 points. (Notre Dame counts as an AQ, BYU does not.  Fuck BYU.)

-Each top 25 team is worth 3 points.

-Each top 10 team is worth 4 points.

-Each top 2 team is worth 5 points.

-And just for good measure, the five BCS bowls get a one point bonus.

The link to the pool is here.  What’s at stake?  Well, as you might already know, I actually work for an NCAA athletic department, so it would be illegal for me to be involved in any sort of sports wagering (that’s why I would never ever play fantasy football, or hockey, or basketball…).  But I will honor the winner by lauding them copiously on this here blog, meaning you will be an overnight celebrity to literally dozens of people.  What more could you ask for?

Ok, here we go.  Below I’ve put a list of the bowls along with some useful information like records, locations and point spreads.  And, of course, a little inspiration to help you make your picks!  (*Note: Hottness of co-eds should not be used as a factor in making your picks!*

December 17th

Wyoming

Gildan New Mexico Bowl

Temple (8-4) vs. Wyoming (8-4)

Albuquerque, NM 2:00 PM

Spread: Temple -6.5

2 POINTS

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Ohio (9-4) vs. Utah State (7-5)

Boise, ID 5:30PM

Spread: USU -3.5

2 POINTS

San Diego State

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

San Diego State (8-4) vs. Louisiana-Lafayette (8-4)

New Orlenas, LA 9:00 PM

Spread: SDSU -5.5

2 POINTS

December 20th

Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl St. Petersburg

Florida International (8-4) vs. Marshall (6-6)

St. Petersburg, FL 8:00 PM

Spread: FIU -4.5

2 POINTS

December 21st

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

#18 TCU (10-2) vs. Louisiana Tech (8-4)

San Diego, CA 8:00 PM

Spread: TCU -11

4 POINTS

Arizona State

December 22nd

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas

Arizona State (6-6) vs. #7 Boise State (11-1)

Las Vegas, NV 8:00 PM

Spread: Boise -14

6 POINTS

Did I mention Arizona State???

Southern Miss

December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Nevada (7-5) vs. #21 Southern Miss (11-2)

Honolulu, HI 8:00 PM

Spread:  USM -6

4 POINTS

December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl

Missouri (7-5) vs. North Carolina (7-5)

Shreveport, LA 5:00 PM

Spread: Missouri -3.5

4 POINTS

December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl

Western Michigan (7-5) vs. Purdue (6-6)

Detroit, MI 4:30 PM

Spread: Purdue -2.5

3 POINTS

North Carolina State

Belk Bowl

Lousiville (7-5) vs. North Carolina State (7-5)

Charlotte, NC 8:00 PM

Spread: NCSU -1.5

4 POINTS

December 28th

Military Bowl Pres. By Northrup Grumman

Toledo (8-4) vs. Air Force (7-5)

Washington, DC 4:30 PM

Spread: Toledo -3

2 POINTS

Texas

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl

California (7-5) vs. #24 Texas (7-5)

San Diego, CA 8:00 PM

Spread: Texas -3.5

5 POINTS

December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl

Florida State (8-4) vs. Notre Dame (8-4)

Orlando, FL  5:30 PM

Spread: FSU -3

4 POINTS

Florida State

That's right, Florida Fucking State!

Valero Alamo Bowl

Washington (7-5) vs. #12 Baylor (9-3)

San Antonio, TX 9:00 PM

Spread: Baylor -9

5 POINTS

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl

BYU (9-3) vs. Tulsa (8-4)

Ft. Worth, TX 12:00 PM

Spread: BYU -3

2 POINTS

Iowa State

New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Rutgers (8-4) vs. Iowa State (6-6)

Bronx, NY 3:20 PM

Spread: Rutgers -2

4 POINTS

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Mississippi State (6-6) vs. Wake Forest (6-6)

Nashville, TN 6:40 PM

Spread: MSU -6.5

4 POINTS

Oklahoma

Insight Bowl

Iowa (7-5) vs. #14 Oklahoma (9-3)

Tempe, AZ 10:00 PM

Spread: OK -14.5

5 POINTS

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas

Texas A&M (6-6) vs. Northwestern (6-6)

Houston, TX 12:00 PM

Spread: A&M -11

4 POINTS

Texas A&M (Just for my friend LC Aggie Sith)

Hyundai Sun Bowl

Georgia Tech (8-4) vs. Utah (7-5)

El Paso, TX 2:00 PM

Spead: GT -3

4 POINTS

UCLA

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl

Illinois (6-6) vs. UCLA (6-7)

San Francisco, CA 3:30 PM

Spread: IL -3

4 POINTS

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

Cincinnati (9-3) vs. Vanderbilt (6-6)

Memphis, TN 3:30 PM

Spread: Vandy -3

4 POINTS

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Virginia (8-4) vs. #25 Auburn (7-5)

Atlanta, GA 7:30 PM

Spread: Auburn -1

5 POINTS

January 2nd

TicketCity Bowl

#19 Houston (12-1) vs. #22 Penn State (9-3)

Dallas, TX 12:00 PM

Spread: UH -6

6 POINTS

Nebraska

Capital One Bowl

#20 Nebraska (9-3) vs. #9 South Carolina (10-2)

Orlando, FL 1:00 PM

Spread: SCar -1

7 POINTS

Outback Bowl

#17 Michigan State (10-3) vs. #16 Georgia (10-3)

Tampa, FL 1:00 PM

Spread: UGA -3.5

6 POINTS

Michigan State

Ohio State

Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl

Ohio State (6-6) vs. Florida (6-6)

Jacksonville, FL 1:00 PM

Spread: FL -2

4 POINTS

Florida

Oregon

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Vizio

#10 Wisconsin (11-2) vs. #5 Oregon (11-2)

Pasadena, CA 5:00 PM

Spread: Oregon -6.5

9 POINTS

Wisconsin (look at the beer bong technique!)

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

#4 Stanford (11-1) vs. #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)

Glendale, AZ 8:30 PM

Spread: OSU -3.5

9 POINTS

Oklahoma State

Michigan

Allstate Sugar Bowl

#13 Michigan (10-2) vs. #11 Virginia Tech (11-2)

New Orleans, LA 8:30 PM

Spread: Mich -1.5

7 POINTS

January 4th

Discover Orange Bowl

#23 West Virginia (9-3) vs. #15 Clemson (10-3)

Miami, FL 8:30 PM

Spread: Clem -3

7 POINTS

West Virginia

Arkansas

January 6th

AT&T Cotton Bowl

#8 Kansas State (10-2) vs. #6 Arkansas (10-2)

Arlington, TX 8:00 PM

Spread: Ark -7.5

8 POINTS

January 7th

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU (7-5) vs. Pittsburgh (6-6)

Birmingham, AL 1:00 PM

Spread: Pitt -5.5

3 POINTS

January 8th

GoDaddy.com Bowl

Arkansas State (10-2) vs. Northern Illinois (10-3)

Mobile, AL 9:00 PM

Spread: ASU -1

2 POINTS

LSU

January 9th

Allstate BCS National Championship

#2 Alabama (11-1) vs. #1 LSU (13-0)

New Orleans, LA 8:30 PM

Spread: LSU -0.5

11 POINTS

Alabama

Once again, here’s the link to the pool.  Good luck!

The List of 5

My girlfriend and I recently had the “List of 5” talk.  You know, like the Friends episode, where they each get to make a list of five people who they would be allowed to cheat on their partner with.

So, after my girlfriend rattled off her list –clearly she’s been thinking about this for awhile– of Jason Statham, some baseball player I’d never heard of, etc. etc., she wanted me to give my list.

Now, I must admit I’ve always been a stats nerd.  I spend hours studying box scores.  I love fantasy football because I can waste an entire summer studying and projecting stats in preparation for our draft.  So, when she put me on the spot to name my list of five, I immediately thought I should play the percentages.  Instead of picking the five hottest women in all the world, who I will most likely never come within ten miles of, I thought my best strategy would be to pick people I might actually have a chance with.

The personal trainer at my gym with the ass that can crack walnuts.

The bartender at my favorite sports bar with the impossibly long legs.

Your cousin.

Well, apparently that’s not how this game is played.  Apparently you are only allowed to put people on your list that you have no chance of actually meeting.  In other words, this list is pure fantasy.  If you actually met someone on your list of five, got to know them, had a vibe with them, I can pretty much guarantee your significant other would find some loophole to remove them from contention.

But… I’m kinda bored tonight, and I don’t know what else to write about, so I’m going to give you my top candidates for the List of 5.  AND I’m going to let you all vote.  Top vote-getter is guaranteed a spot on the list.  So here goes:

(*Note: All ages, heights and measurements were taken off the internet.  I apologize for any mistakes.*)

__________________________________________________________

Danielle Moinet– 26 years old.  5’10”.  Measurements: 34B-25-34

Since the NFL announced it was becoming a two hand touch league, I’ve been in search of some football where they actually hit people.  And lo and behold, I’m pretty sure the Lingerie Football League is now hitting harder than Troy Polamalu is allowed to anymore.  Danielle plays for the Chicago Bliss, and if the Bears won’t be playing this fall I guess I’ll jump on the Bliss bandwagon.  “Da Bliss” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but Danielle’s beauty will help me get over that pretty quick I think…

Pros: Danielle isn’t some prissy glory seeking offensive player.  She’s a Defensive Back.

Cons:  Been a long time since I strapped on the pads as a high school linebacker.  Not sure I’m ready for full contact with Danielle.

__________________________________________________________

Jenny McCarthy– 38 years old.  5’6”.  Measurements: 38C-24-34

Besides being drop dead gorgeous, how could you not have a great time with crazy Jenny?  The girl is such a goof and has such an energetic personality.  It would probably drive me nuts after about three days.  But for one night?  Bring it!

Pros: Laughing during sex can be a great turn on.  Unless…

Cons:  Hey, what are you laughing at exactly???

__________________________________________________________

Paris Hilton– 30 years old.  5’8”.  Measurements: 34B-25-35

I can already sense people shaking their heads at this one.  Remember, this is not my list of girls I want to marry, just hot girls I’d like to spend one night with. Paris is spoiled, high maintenance, sometimes annoying, and possibly has a drug problem.  But she’s also smokin’ fuckin’ hot.  Just look at those legs.  And she banged Brian Urlacher, so you know she’s got good taste.

Pros: I’ve seen her sex tape.  She’s a very talented girl.

Cons: Besides those I previously mentioned?  Can’t really think of any.

__________________________________________________________

Trisha Lurie– 27 years old.  5’4”. Measurements: 34D-25-35

Just recently discovered Trisha and I have to admit I was instantly smitten.  Look at all that sexy ink!  And those eyes!  She’s blonde and sexy and feminine, but she’s also got a rough edge that I find very appealing.  And she’s also a very talented musician, which leads me to believe she would be quite the screamer in the sack.

 

Pros: Everything.  Absolutely everything.

Cons: I’m still trying to find one.

__________________________________________________________

Elle Macpherson– 48 years old.  6’0”.  Measurements: 36C-25-35

I think I first fell in love with Elle when I was about 13 years old.  And while she’s quite a bit older now and probably won’t be gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition anymore, it’s not just nostalgia when I say she’s still pretty fucking unbelievable.  She’s always had such style and class, she looks fantastic in either a bikini or an evening gown.

Pros: How many people have a chance to hook up with their first fantasy girl?

Cons: Although the accent is quite sexy, and I have absolutely nothing against Australia (definitely one of my top 3 countries), I’m still a nationalistic, jingoistic, belligerantly pro-American.

__________________________________________________________

Danica Patrick– 29 years old.  5’2”.  Measurements: 33A-24-34

Not too many short girls make my list, but Danica is a little sparkplug (no, that was not meant to be a racecar joke).  She’s smart, intense, sexy and fiery.  She’s also a Midwestern girl, which I still find very attractive even after all these years away from home.

Pros: Anyone that used to being behind the wheel of a racecar probably knows how to take charge.  I could handle being ridden like a cheap rental car for a night.

Cons:  I find her a lot less attractive since she joined NASCAR…

__________________________________________________________

Maria Sharapova– 24 years old.  6’2”.  Measurements: 33B-24-34

I do love the tall girls.  She could probably wrap those legs around me twice.  I’m not a big follower of tennis, but she’s a helluva competitor, has fought hard to overcome major shoulder issues.  And have you heard the way she grunts???  That kind of intensity would be something to behold in the bedroom.

Pros: Six-foot-two.  Nothing more to say.

Cons:  Sasha Vujacic?  Really?  Sasha fucking Vujacic???

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Kelli Hutcherson– 22 years old. 5’7”.  Measurements: Unknown

I am a boxing enthusiast, and as such I have a  grudge against most everything related to MMA or UFC.  But I’m making an exception for Strikeforce ring girl Kelli Hutcherson.  One look and I’m sure you can see why.  Hopefully this is just a stepping stone for her to becoming a ring girl for real boxing.

Pros: Tall, blonde and extremely fit.  Clearly a sports fan.  (See the effect she has on me, I just referred to ultimate fighting as a “sport.”)

Cons: Think she has any jealous boyfriends in the MMA world?  I like to think I’m a fairly tough guy, but I’m pretty certain I’d lose that fight.

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Ricki Raxxx– 30 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 36F-24-36

Let’s face it, as long as I’m fantasizing I might as well put a porn star on the list.  Ricki certainly doesn’t fit my normal type, she’s not tall or blonde or athletic (well, a different kind of athletic I suppose!), but there’s just something about her that gets me goin’.  Probably the boobs.

 

Pros: 36F.  Need I say more?

Cons: After some of the porn cocks she’s had, I might need to strap a board to my ass so I don’t fall in…

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Sarah Shahi– 31 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 34C-24-35

I’ve been a big fan of Sarah for a long time.  When she was a smokin’ hot lesbian on The L Word, when she was a smokin’ hot cop on Life (great show, wish it hadn’t gotten cancelled), I even saw a little independent film called Shades of Ray because she was in it (surprisingly good, BTW).

 

Pros: If you ever saw the way she moved in The L Word no other explanation would be necessary.

Cons:  Used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  I hate the Cowboys.

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Wendy Rider– 32 years old.  5’9”.  Measurements: 36D-25-34

Yeah, I like buff girls.  And Wendy is chiseled!  Look at those abs, those legs, and of course the pierced nipple.  She calls herself the Muscle Barbie and it is a truly perfect description.  If they made Barbie dolls like her I probably would have played with dolls when I was a kid.

 

Pros: Tall, blonde and beautiful.  What more can you ask for?

Cons: Still thinking… Let me get back to you.

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Jenn Sterger– 27 years old.  5’5”.  Measurements: 36-24-33

Long before the NFL’s all-time interception leader made her a household name, I was a proud member of the Jenn Sterger fanclub.  In fact, when she first appeared on TV during the 2005 Florida State-Miami game in her trademark tank top and cowboy hat I was sold.  As she’s become more prominent and her wit and sports knowledge has become more obvious, I’ve only become more obsessed.

Pros: Seminoles fan.  I’ve always liked the ‘Noles, and now that my alma mater has killed their mascot I’ve declared myself a de facto ‘Nole for life.

Cons: Jenn recently had her breast implants removed.  Now, I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker; I’m a total shape guy (as you see from the wide range of bust sizes on this list).  But not having seen any post-implant pics, I can’t be sure.

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Voting is now open!