The List of 5


My girlfriend and I recently had the “List of 5” talk.  You know, like the Friends episode, where they each get to make a list of five people who they would be allowed to cheat on their partner with.

So, after my girlfriend rattled off her list –clearly she’s been thinking about this for awhile– of Jason Statham, some baseball player I’d never heard of, etc. etc., she wanted me to give my list.

Now, I must admit I’ve always been a stats nerd.  I spend hours studying box scores.  I love fantasy football because I can waste an entire summer studying and projecting stats in preparation for our draft.  So, when she put me on the spot to name my list of five, I immediately thought I should play the percentages.  Instead of picking the five hottest women in all the world, who I will most likely never come within ten miles of, I thought my best strategy would be to pick people I might actually have a chance with.

The personal trainer at my gym with the ass that can crack walnuts.

The bartender at my favorite sports bar with the impossibly long legs.

Your cousin.

Well, apparently that’s not how this game is played.  Apparently you are only allowed to put people on your list that you have no chance of actually meeting.  In other words, this list is pure fantasy.  If you actually met someone on your list of five, got to know them, had a vibe with them, I can pretty much guarantee your significant other would find some loophole to remove them from contention.

But… I’m kinda bored tonight, and I don’t know what else to write about, so I’m going to give you my top candidates for the List of 5.  AND I’m going to let you all vote.  Top vote-getter is guaranteed a spot on the list.  So here goes:

(*Note: All ages, heights and measurements were taken off the internet.  I apologize for any mistakes.*)

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Danielle Moinet– 26 years old.  5’10”.  Measurements: 34B-25-34

Since the NFL announced it was becoming a two hand touch league, I’ve been in search of some football where they actually hit people.  And lo and behold, I’m pretty sure the Lingerie Football League is now hitting harder than Troy Polamalu is allowed to anymore.  Danielle plays for the Chicago Bliss, and if the Bears won’t be playing this fall I guess I’ll jump on the Bliss bandwagon.  “Da Bliss” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but Danielle’s beauty will help me get over that pretty quick I think…

Pros: Danielle isn’t some prissy glory seeking offensive player.  She’s a Defensive Back.

Cons:  Been a long time since I strapped on the pads as a high school linebacker.  Not sure I’m ready for full contact with Danielle.

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Jenny McCarthy– 38 years old.  5’6”.  Measurements: 38C-24-34

Besides being drop dead gorgeous, how could you not have a great time with crazy Jenny?  The girl is such a goof and has such an energetic personality.  It would probably drive me nuts after about three days.  But for one night?  Bring it!

Pros: Laughing during sex can be a great turn on.  Unless…

Cons:  Hey, what are you laughing at exactly???

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Paris Hilton– 30 years old.  5’8”.  Measurements: 34B-25-35

I can already sense people shaking their heads at this one.  Remember, this is not my list of girls I want to marry, just hot girls I’d like to spend one night with. Paris is spoiled, high maintenance, sometimes annoying, and possibly has a drug problem.  But she’s also smokin’ fuckin’ hot.  Just look at those legs.  And she banged Brian Urlacher, so you know she’s got good taste.

Pros: I’ve seen her sex tape.  She’s a very talented girl.

Cons: Besides those I previously mentioned?  Can’t really think of any.

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Trisha Lurie– 27 years old.  5’4”. Measurements: 34D-25-35

Just recently discovered Trisha and I have to admit I was instantly smitten.  Look at all that sexy ink!  And those eyes!  She’s blonde and sexy and feminine, but she’s also got a rough edge that I find very appealing.  And she’s also a very talented musician, which leads me to believe she would be quite the screamer in the sack.

 

Pros: Everything.  Absolutely everything.

Cons: I’m still trying to find one.

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Elle Macpherson– 48 years old.  6’0”.  Measurements: 36C-25-35

I think I first fell in love with Elle when I was about 13 years old.  And while she’s quite a bit older now and probably won’t be gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition anymore, it’s not just nostalgia when I say she’s still pretty fucking unbelievable.  She’s always had such style and class, she looks fantastic in either a bikini or an evening gown.

Pros: How many people have a chance to hook up with their first fantasy girl?

Cons: Although the accent is quite sexy, and I have absolutely nothing against Australia (definitely one of my top 3 countries), I’m still a nationalistic, jingoistic, belligerantly pro-American.

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Danica Patrick– 29 years old.  5’2”.  Measurements: 33A-24-34

Not too many short girls make my list, but Danica is a little sparkplug (no, that was not meant to be a racecar joke).  She’s smart, intense, sexy and fiery.  She’s also a Midwestern girl, which I still find very attractive even after all these years away from home.

Pros: Anyone that used to being behind the wheel of a racecar probably knows how to take charge.  I could handle being ridden like a cheap rental car for a night.

Cons:  I find her a lot less attractive since she joined NASCAR…

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Maria Sharapova– 24 years old.  6’2”.  Measurements: 33B-24-34

I do love the tall girls.  She could probably wrap those legs around me twice.  I’m not a big follower of tennis, but she’s a helluva competitor, has fought hard to overcome major shoulder issues.  And have you heard the way she grunts???  That kind of intensity would be something to behold in the bedroom.

Pros: Six-foot-two.  Nothing more to say.

Cons:  Sasha Vujacic?  Really?  Sasha fucking Vujacic???

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Kelli Hutcherson– 22 years old. 5’7”.  Measurements: Unknown

I am a boxing enthusiast, and as such I have a  grudge against most everything related to MMA or UFC.  But I’m making an exception for Strikeforce ring girl Kelli Hutcherson.  One look and I’m sure you can see why.  Hopefully this is just a stepping stone for her to becoming a ring girl for real boxing.

Pros: Tall, blonde and extremely fit.  Clearly a sports fan.  (See the effect she has on me, I just referred to ultimate fighting as a “sport.”)

Cons: Think she has any jealous boyfriends in the MMA world?  I like to think I’m a fairly tough guy, but I’m pretty certain I’d lose that fight.

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Ricki Raxxx– 30 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 36F-24-36

Let’s face it, as long as I’m fantasizing I might as well put a porn star on the list.  Ricki certainly doesn’t fit my normal type, she’s not tall or blonde or athletic (well, a different kind of athletic I suppose!), but there’s just something about her that gets me goin’.  Probably the boobs.

 

Pros: 36F.  Need I say more?

Cons: After some of the porn cocks she’s had, I might need to strap a board to my ass so I don’t fall in…

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Sarah Shahi– 31 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 34C-24-35

I’ve been a big fan of Sarah for a long time.  When she was a smokin’ hot lesbian on The L Word, when she was a smokin’ hot cop on Life (great show, wish it hadn’t gotten cancelled), I even saw a little independent film called Shades of Ray because she was in it (surprisingly good, BTW).

 

Pros: If you ever saw the way she moved in The L Word no other explanation would be necessary.

Cons:  Used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  I hate the Cowboys.

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Wendy Rider– 32 years old.  5’9”.  Measurements: 36D-25-34

Yeah, I like buff girls.  And Wendy is chiseled!  Look at those abs, those legs, and of course the pierced nipple.  She calls herself the Muscle Barbie and it is a truly perfect description.  If they made Barbie dolls like her I probably would have played with dolls when I was a kid.

 

Pros: Tall, blonde and beautiful.  What more can you ask for?

Cons: Still thinking… Let me get back to you.

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Jenn Sterger– 27 years old.  5’5”.  Measurements: 36-24-33

Long before the NFL’s all-time interception leader made her a household name, I was a proud member of the Jenn Sterger fanclub.  In fact, when she first appeared on TV during the 2005 Florida State-Miami game in her trademark tank top and cowboy hat I was sold.  As she’s become more prominent and her wit and sports knowledge has become more obvious, I’ve only become more obsessed.

Pros: Seminoles fan.  I’ve always liked the ‘Noles, and now that my alma mater has killed their mascot I’ve declared myself a de facto ‘Nole for life.

Cons: Jenn recently had her breast implants removed.  Now, I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker; I’m a total shape guy (as you see from the wide range of bust sizes on this list).  But not having seen any post-implant pics, I can’t be sure.

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Voting is now open!

2 Comments

  1. Sharapova is the most your type by a wide margin but you fail to mention that she’s Russian. Reagan would not approve….

    • She was born in Russia, but I’m pretty sure she came over here at a very young age. She might even be a citizen by now. Ronnie would have no problem with a Soviet defector!


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