Tales From the Toilet


Here’s a story that’s a little off-topic for me, but I think you’ll enjoy it nonetheless.  I’m dedicating it to the master of bathroom stories, Immodium Abuser.

So as you probably know if you’ve read this blog, I work in college athletics.  To keep this as anonymous as possible I won’t tell you which of the schools on my resume these incidents took place at.  But I’ll say I had just barely started working at this school when I noticed something was a little bit off about our basketball coaching staff.

For starters, the head coach is like a god around here, he can do no wrong and people treat him like royalty.  Think Joe Paterno without the ass-rapings (as far as I know).  And like all coaches, this guy has his own little quirks.  The most obvious of these is that, when he’s meeting with his assistant coaches and needs to take a piss, the meeting doesn’t stop.  No sir!  Instead, the entire staff follows him down the hall and into the bathroom.

So one day I headed for the restroom to take a leak and basically walked right into a staff meeting.  It’s a small bathroom, one urinal and one stall, and when I walked in I saw the head coach at the urinal while two assistants were standing by the door carrying on a conversation with the pissing head coach about zone defenses or some such thing.  I assumed they were just finishing up and waiting for the coach, so I squeezed past them and headed for the stall… where there was yet another coach draining the main vein.  And that’s when one of the coaches by the door informed me he was waiting “in line.”

I went back to my desk and held it for rest of the day.

I should have learned my lesson there, but sometimes I’m a little slow.  A couple weeks later I had to take a dump and headed for the bathroom.  I was minding my own business in the stall when someone came in and assumed the position in the urinal next to my stall.  No big deal, right?  I mean, I prefer to crap in private (who doesn’t?), but I understand that’s not always possible in a public restroom.  So I kept minding my own business.

At this point I should probably mention that our head coach is about 6-foot-8.  The reason that’s important to the story is that, in theory, were one so inclined, at 6’8″ they could peek over the top of the stall at someone while they took a shit.

But no one in their right mind would ever do something like that, right?  I mean, I’m only 5’9″, but even if I were tall enough to look over a stall it would never enter even my wildest dreams to actually want to sneak a peek at someone takin’ a crap.

Only he didn't have to climb the wall to peek... and I'm not a woman...

But that’s exactly what he did.

Imagine the feeling of horror, of shame, of outright vulnerability when someone decides to take a peek down at you while you’re taking a dump.  It was terrible!  I cowered like a dog about to be beaten, covering myself as best I could and trying to give him my best “What the fuck?!?”  look.

“Oh, sorry,” the coach said nonchalantly, as if it were no big deal at all to take a peek inside another man’s stall.  (Hmm, maybe this story is like the Penn Story scandal!)  And then he followed up with, “I thought you were one of my guys, I was gonna give you some shit.”

I did my best to force a polite laugh but all I could think was, How would that be okay even if I was “one of your guys?????”

That afternoon I began an intense search of my building to find the most hidden, out of the way, private bathroom.  And I’ve never taken a dump in the main office restroom again.

For several years that was all there was to the story.  It was a funny 

Maybe if you have kids this doesn't seem creepy to you, but it sure as hell is to me!

little anecdote to tell people over drinks.  But then one day my friend and co-worker, Mocha Fish, came running into my office in a tizzy.  “I’ve just experienced the inverse of your bathroom horror story! …  I was in the bathroom, minding my own business, when [coach’s daughter] poked her head under the stall.  She just looked up at me and smiled and said ‘Hi.’  I didn’t know what to do, I just froze up!”

What the fuck is wrong with basketball coaches???

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4 Comments

  1. There are no words to convey my stupefaction at a man peeking over a stall to chew some other man’s ass out.

    I bet you still double check your bathroom lock, don’t you???

    • I think by “give you some shit” he meant good-natured ribbing. Not that that’s any better!

      Yes, I am permanently scarred when it comes to public restrooms now…

  2. I am honored with the reference…and horrified by that little girl! I’d have been a Dateline Exclusive that day cause I would have gotten my belt and whooped some pre-teen ass right there!

  3. Pepper spray: never leave home without it!


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