Soul Mates

The longest relationship of my entire life lasted 4 months.  The second (and only other) lasted 2 months.  So in my nearly 35 years on this earth I’ve been single for approximately 98.5% of it.

But this weekend I decided to take the plunge again.  (You can tell how fucked up I am when I refer to “the plunge” not as marriage but merely dating.)  While I was home for Christmas I met a girl at the bar on Christmas night; we hit it off, had some epically bad drunk sex the next night, then followed it up with some pretty damn good slightly-less drunk sex the night after that, and stayed in touch after I flew back to the third world country known as Utah.  We texted for awhile, started talking regularly, and started making plans to get together for a weekend to see if this was worth pursuing.

There was one minor hiccup along the way.  One night she drunk texted me that she thought we might be soul mates.  Needless to say, this freaked me the fuck out.  But I try to be a rational person, I’m fully aware that people do, say and text dumb things when they are intoxicated, and I try not to hold it against anyone.  Lord knows I’ve sent some asinine drunk texts in my time (although most of mine involve unique places I’d like to insert my penis or deposit my semen).  So, while I told her I fully intended to mock her mercilessly for as long as possible about her faux pas, I didn’t take it too seriously and was willing to move past this incident.

The weekend together was a success.  We’re very comfortable around each other, always laughing and having fun; we share a lot of common interests, she got along great with all my friends, and the sex was outstanding.  All in all it was a great weekend and we both decided that, despite the distance, this was something we wanted to pursue.

Of course, as usual with me, there had to be at least one more hiccup.

She claims that, while in the midst of one of our many bouts of passion, I uttered the three most dangerous words in the English language.  That’s right, “I love you.”  But here’s the problem: I have no recollection of this!  And we weren’t drunk.  I feel like that’s something I would remember, don’t you???  I mean, it’s not a phrase I just throw around!

I asked for some clarification.  Was she sure she heard me correctly?  I say a lot of things while I’m penetrating a woman.  Was she sure it wasn’t something like, oh I don’t know, “I love the way your pussy grips me”?  Or, “I love your tits”?  Maybe “I’d love to cum down your throat”???

She was quite adamant it was none of those things.  She said it wasn’t a big deal; that, just like her “soul mate” text, she understood that sometimes things just come out in the heat of the moment.  As long as I didn’t really mean it this early on she was ok with it.

Well maybe it doesn’t bother her, but it sure as hell bothers me!  I’ve been racking my brain ever since, trying to remember, trying to determine what could have possibly happened.  The lack of alcohol makes me about 99.999% certain I couldn’t possibly have uttered the most dangerous phrase in the English language.  So what other possible explanation could there be?  After a lengthy discussion with my buddy Gotham last night I’ve come up with two likely possibilities:

1) She’s delusional.  This one scares me.  I’ve dealt with crazy girls before.  (Hell, I have a stalker living a hundred yards from me right now.)  This girl doesn’t seem like the crazy type, but they rarely show their craziness right away, so it’s something I have to consider.  Plus, I have to consider the fact that if she isn’t crazy and didn’t hallucinate it then that means that I’m the crazy one hallucinating about not saying it.  And although I’m clearly fucked up in the head, I’m not ready to admit to being totally insane just yet….

2) It’s a ploy.  Is it possible that she didn’t like the power I held over her due to her foolish “soul mate” text, was tired of the good-natured jokes at her expense, and needed a way to get back on a level playing field?  Could she have made up the “I love you” incident to put me back on my heels, place me on the defensive, to give her an adequate comeback whenever I try to play the soul mate card?

If that’s the case then it would be one of the most devious and diabolical plots ever hatched.  A truly bold move to reposition herself in the hierarchy of the relationship, a desperate gambit to claw her way back onto equal footing.  And I would have to admit that I respect that immensely!  I can only tip my hat to her and say Bravo.  Bra-fucking-vo!



  1. Good god man. Why am I not surprised this went down this way. As is always the case, there is a Seinfeldian precedent for this in “The Hand” episode. My only hope is that this was a diabolical plan on her part to get the hand back. If not there’s a decent chance that Utah finally got the better of you. If neither of the above, hold to the “I love your tits” line.

  2. Does she have tits? That fake line only works if she has something going for her. I would go with the ” I love THIS” line over tits. That way you are just enjoying the moment. Either way she totally has the Hand no matter what the slip up wording was. She is in your head.

  3. She does indeed have great tits. Full D’s. She had reduction surgery a few years back so they’re perfectly shaped too. By far the best I’ve ever had my cock between!

    She may be in my head, but I WILL get the upper hand back!

  4. Don’t dwell on the details………..sounds like she has an amazing rack, Awesome!

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