Channel Your Inner “Ugly American”


I considered just re-posting my Memorial Day Weekend blog for this 4th of July, but then I thought “What kind of example would that set?”  This is the birthday of our great nation.  Writing something blatantly offensive and nationalistic is the very least I can to honor my country.

So, in that spirit, I’ve made just a small list of ways that you too can honor the greatest country on earth.  I would suggest you make a drinking game out of it with your friends; whoever checks each of these off your list first gets a free drink from the rest of the group.

Here’s the list:

–Find a Canadian person and complete at least two of the following: 1) Refer to Canada as “America’s hat.”  2) Talk mad shit about the Vancouver Canucks losing the Stanley Cup, thus extending Canada’s Cup-less streak to 18 years.  Make sure to tell them that Canada’s prized goalie, Roberto Luongo, was the third best goalie in a two team finals.  And 3) ask them if the western Canadian provinces will really try to join the United States after those pesky French Canadians secede in Quebec.

–Start a “U S A!  U S A!” chant for no reason whatsoever in a wildly inappropriate place, like church or the grocery store.

–Wear a blatantly patriotic and offensive T-shirt.  Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of thoseshirts.com:

–Watch A Few Good Men and tell everyone around you how Jack Nicholson is the real hero of the movie.  If anyone tries to argue shout them down with one line: “You can’t handle the truth!”

–Make fun of soccer.  Mercilessly.  The only exception: It’s ok to watch the women’s World Cup under the pretense that you’re cheering for America, even though we both know you’re just hoping some chick will rip her shirt off again.

–Include the word “fucking” when mentioning any other nationality.  Fucking Russians, fucking British, fucking Chinese, fucking Mexicans (although you should be careful with this one in most parts of America).  Fucking Irish, fucking Germans, fucking Brazilians, fucking Egyptians.  Try it, I think you’ll find it’s a lot of fun.  Fucking French, fucking Nepalese…

–Drink American.  No imported beers, no Polish vodkas, no Caribbean rums.  For one weekend you can consume American booze.  I recommend Tito’s Vodka or Budweiser’s new patriotic cans.

–Have sex with an American girl.  I know a lot of people bag on Americans, call us fat and lazy and all kinds of other shit, but I still say American girls are better than any other nation’s females. Australia isn’t far behind, but at least on this one day you can do the right thing and bang an American chick.

–If for some reason you absolutely must have sex with a non-American girl (like if you’re married to a foreigner, if you’re a gigolo, or if it’s last call and you’ve struck out with all the American girls), make sure they know you’re only “planting your flag” as conquest and in honor of the greatest nation on earth.  Be sure to tell them this before, during and after sex.

–Go to a Civil War reenactment and treat it like a sporting event, cheering madly for the guys in Blue.  Mock and taunt anyone with a Confederate flag like you would your worst sports rival.

–Spend an obscene amount of money on fireworks.  Then start blowing shit up.

–If anyone dares to criticize any of your showings of patriotism accuse them of being a communist.  If you’re sober enough to form coherent sentences you can use the proper wording: “Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?”  If you’re not sober enough to sound erudite and sophisticated (and I’m hoping you’re not), simply screaming “COMMIE!  COMMIE PINKO SCUM!” will be more than sufficient.

–Ladies, wear a patriotic bikini to make us all stand at attention.

–Order a pizza with extra bacon and have it delivered to your local mosque.  (Disclaimer: this could be a hate crime where you live.  I do NOT advocate breaking any laws.)

–Play poker with your friends.  Poker is the ultimate American card game.  It was invented here, perfected here, and is as much a staple of the Wild West culture as cowboys, guns and hookers.

–Put flags on everything.  Fly them from your porch, your car, your boat, your dog.  Use tablecloths, napkins and plates with flags on them.  Paint your face, slap on fake tattoos.  Put flag stickers on everything, whether it belongs to you or not.

–Enter an eating contest.  There are few things more American than wanton gluttony.  But, if you do, you must beat any and all foreigners in the contest.  Even if you’re up against the great Kobayashi.  So be careful with this one.

–Start a fight with a foreigner.  Any foreigner.

–Ladies, give a serviceman and/or veteran a blow job.  Double points if he’s a complete stranger.  Quadruple points if he’s been wounded or disabled.  This one isn’t even a joke.  It’s the right thing to do.

–Go out of your way to be the very essence of the “Ugly American.”  Be loud, rude, abrasive and, above all, drunk!

God Bless America.

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2 Comments

  1. I have 8 done already and it’s noon on Saturday


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