The Girl Who Wanted to Learn to Deepthroat


If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you no doubt realize that I am no great ladies man.  I am not Tucker Max.  I’ve had my triumphs, sure, who hasn’t, but more often than not my stories end in disaster (i.e. The Girl With the Glasses).  But as they say, sometimes even a blind squirrel finds a nut.

And that’s where BJ comes in.

You might remember, BJ was The Mormon Stalker‘s friend, the one I thought was being offered up to me for a threesome.  Alas, that wasn’t meant to be.  And, to be completely honest, I didn’t even like BJ very much at first.

In retrospect, I should have realized she was into me.  After the night we met she started texting and Facebooking me, which I now see was her shy attempt at flirting.  Unfortunately, one of her ways of flirting was to taunt me about my beloved Buffalo Sabres.  Just as they were swirling down the drain of another failed playoff run.

I didn’t take it well.  I was rude to her.  Then, when she persisted, I ignored her altogether.  Bitch, no one gets to mock my Sabres, no matter how cute you are or how perky your breasts are.  And as she was moving cross country to New York for grad school, I figured that was the end of that.  Good riddance.

Fast forward about four months.  It was Labor Day weekend and I was in Nashville for the wedding of my good friend Country, star of my previous post Taking One for the Team(This was the wedding where I met the infamous Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress.  But alas, she still forbids me to discuss her on this blog.  Sorry.)

Actual photo of the Single White Alcoholic being iced

It was a truly epic wedding weekend.  My first night in town we all went out and got absolutely shitfaced on Broadway, the main drag in Nashville.  I skipped dinner to intensify my buzz, and I was successful in my mission; in short order I was a fucking trainwreck.  Among other things, I managed to get iced by a fake-breasted bartender who motorboated me while I chugged my Smirnoff Ice.  (Yuck.)  Somewhere in all that debauchery –I think it was our third or fourth bar of the night– I started hitting on an attractive older woman.  My memory is sketchy because I was so wasted, but fortunately my buddy Dead Wing was there to help.  He was so amused by my drunken stupidity he whipped out his iPhone and started basically live-blogging my pursuit of the woman on my Facebook wall.

12:05am: “I’m recording this for prosperity.  The woman you’re talking to just said, ‘Wow, you’re only 34?!?”

12:13am: “Tell your grandma I said hi.”

12:38am: “Maybe she will get a senior discount on breakfast at Denny’s in the morning.”

1:18am: “Senior cougar”

1:27am: “Then she said… ‘Cedric Benson?  I thought he was in prison.’ Go Bears”

**For the record, I have no idea what that line meant.  Perhaps I was trying to woo her into bed with my vast knowledge of fantasy football?  Yeah, I’ve got mad game with the ladies…**

2:00am: “AARP!”

And that’s pretty much how the whole weekend went.  And little did I know, but from about a thousand miles away, BJ was reading it all.  And apparently my drunken charms were just too much for her to resist.  (I think the fact the Mormon Stalker had told her I had the biggest dick she’d ever seen might have helped too; boy would she be disappointed when she finally saw it for herself!)  By the day of the wedding she had started text-flirting me —I think the kids call it flirxting but I’m not that hip.  Being somewhat intoxicated with vodka, and highly intoxicated by my smokin’ hot wedding date Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress, I flirted right back.

And thus started a four month stretch of dirty texting —I think the kids call it sexting but I’m not that hip— that reached Biblical proportions.  You all can see how verbose I am, and if you’ve read her blog then you know she is too.  This wasn’t your normal run-of-the-mill “I want to fuck you” texting.  No, this was like a novel.  Within two weeks I had to upgrade to an unlimited text plan.  We were writing in-depth commentaries back and forth, starting with foreplay and usually ending with me cumming in her mouth or on her face.

And along the way a strange thing happened.  We actually started to like each other.  And not just in a sexual way.  Her wit made a nice counterpoint to my sarcasm.  My angry conservo-libertarianism was offset by her kindhearted social consciousness.  And of course it helped that now that she was in New York she had started following my beloved Buffalo Sabres.  She wasn’t exactly a diehard but at least she wasn’t talking shit on them anymore.

As we got to know each other she confessed that she didn’t have a lot of experience with sex.  She hadn’t even lost her virginity until she moved to New York.  (You can read that epic story here.)  But she admitted that she truly loved giving head, and she wanted to get better at it.  When I told her no woman had ever been able to make me climax from a blow job she took it as a challenge.  She wanted me to teach her to deep throat, and she wanted to make me cum in her mouth.

When she came home for the holidays we finally got to hook up.  And so began one of the better weekends of my life.  We had already established that this wasn’t going anywhere, there was no future for us.  I was still in Utah and she was going back to school in New York.  Neither of us wanted a relationship, so this was a hook up and nothing more.

The only drawback was that she was on the tail end of her period, so there wasn’t going to be a whole lot of sex.  The good news was that all she really wanted was to practice sucking cock anyway.  Who was I to argue?

We walked in the door to my apartment and kissed for about five seconds before getting down to business.  And, truth be told, BJ did not need a whole lot of lessons on BJ’s.  She was a very talented girl.  She attacked my cock with a vengeance.  She licked, sucked, kissed and slurped for damn near an hour.  We started on the bed, with me laying back and her crouched between my legs.  Then I sat on the edge of the bed with her kneeling before me, giving her a chance to use her hands more.  Then I hung her head off the bed and fucked her mouth.  She gagged and sputtered a bit at that last one, but she persevered and took it like a champ.  Alas, she still couldn’t get me off (I think I might have issues), so after the marathon blow job I took the reins porno-style and jerked myself off and let her swallow my load.  It was fucking amazing.

Over the next 36 hours I put her through an intensive training course on fellatio.  She sucked me off three more times, each time ending with me jerking off and letting her suck me dry.  My one regret is that I didn’t get around to cumming on her face; her mouth was just too damn good.

We tried having regular sex too, but as she was in her “heavy flow” period, it didn’t work out so well.  We were going at it doggy style, and when she orgasmed she kind of collapsed forward on the bed so my cock popped out of her…completely covered in blood.  Now, I’m no prude.  I’m not afraid of riding the crimson river now and again.  But I’m not just talking a little bit of blood, a little crustiness around the base.  I’ve experienced that before.  No, I mean absolutely covered in it.  My entire cock was glowing bright red.  So what did I do?  Well, I freaked the fuck out, of course.  Jumped off the bed, ran to the shower and used the detachable shower head to hose my poor penis off.

But it was totally worth it.

BJ is back East now, and she now has a boyfriend who apparently has a penis roughly twice the size of mine.  Hopefully my weekend tutorial taught her a few things that will keep her lucky guy happy and coming back for more.  I feel like that guy owes me a drink or two…

 

**On a side note, please go to BJ’s blog and tell her to start posting more often.  If enough people pester her I bet we could even get her to write a rebuttal to this story.**

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4 Comments

  1. Nashville, Cedric Benson and blow jobs. Who could ask for anything more?

    Another great story!

  2. Such slanderous lies.

  3. Thank you verry much for this article.. I really loved it! Can I Link it from my own site?


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