The Dead Pool

Call me sick, but I am super excited to announce I have joined the Hookers and Booze Dead Pool.  You can find all the details here, but in a nutshell here’s the rules:

1) Pick 25 people you think will die in the next year.

2) Get points for each one that kicks the bucket.  Points are based off the person’s age (100 minus their age).  So there’s some strategy involved; you can pick old farts like B.B. King (86 years old) and the odds are good he’ll kick the bucket, but you only get 14 points for him.  However, if you roll the dice on Lindsay Lohan (25 years old) you stand to rake in 75 big points.

Maybe I’m just a morbid asshole, or maybe my fantasy football team is just that bad this season (damn you, Matt Ryan, I was coutning on you to be huge!), but this is just about the most exciting thing I’ve got going in my life right now.  Well, that and my beloved Buffalo Sabres starting 5-1 this season.  I’ve put together my rough draft list, but I’m open to suggestions.  I’ve got until October 30th to make changes, so if anyone has any brilliant suggestions I’m not at all above sharing the credit.

Without giving away all of my names, here’s a few of my candidates:

–Joe Paterno- The oldest on my list by far.  The only way that guy leaves the coaching field is in a body bag.  And some Penn State fans are hoping for just that.

–Charlie Sheen & Lindsay Lohan- At 46, he’s the very definition of “low risk, high reward.”  At 25, Lohan is Sheen to the Nth degree.

–Metta World Peace (a.k.a. Ron Artest) & Allen Iverson- I’m betting the NBA lockout causes some serious self-destructive tendencies in many NBA stars.  Artest, er, I mean, Metta World Peace already seems to have fallen off the deep end.  As for Iverson, well, the only thing worse than losing an NBA season?  Not being able to find a job playing semi-pro ball in Kazakhstan because you lost your job to a locked out NBA player who isn’t quite washed up yet.

–Lil Wayne & The Game- I don’t know much about hip-hop, but I know rappers with big mouths don’t live very long.

–Pacman Jones- Haven’t heard much from him lately.  But he’s still a fuck-up, and he’s still a Bengal.  Neither of those tend to be good for life longevity.

–Michael Douglas, Roger Ebert & Courtney Love- Just playin’ the percentages here.

–Jenna Jameson- What do pornstars do when people stop whacking off to them?  I don’t know either, but I’m guessing they don’t start baking cookies.

–Rodney King- I know, I know, I’m a racist asshole.  But consider the facts: since the infamous police beating, King has been arrested twice (beating his wife and driving drunk), shot once (supposedly while someone was trying to steal his motorcycle), and appeared on two different celebrity rehab TV shows.  The man is a mess.

–Ronnie, Sammi, Snooki & Situation- I’m betting heavy on the Jersey Shore crew.  My dream scenario would be that Ron and Sam kill each other in a murder/suicide, and somehow a stray bullet takes out one of the others.  But not JWoww, it would be a shame to lose her fake breasts before their time.

–Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hamid Karzai & Ali Abdullah-Saleh- It’s possible my biases against the Muslim world are showing through here.  But the entire Islamic world is being racked by supposedly Democratic protests and revolutions that are, in reality, just a worldwide uprising of Islamic fascism.  I’m betting that some of these leaders suffer the same fate as Qadaffi.

Honorable Mention- Some others I’ve been considering but haven’t made the cut just yet: Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, Chyna, the Dalai Lama, Bill Romanowski, Larry Merchant, Morgan Freeman, Kim Jong-Il, Keith Olbermann.

Please feel free to send me any suggestions.  There’s really only two rules you have to remember for this game, and I will quote the geniuses at Hookers and Booze for both:

–“No US political figures. The last thing I need is the fucking Secret Service seizing my server.”

–“If you are convicted of causing the death of any of the celebrities on your list, you forfeit the game. No cheating.”

Good luck!

May all your picks wind up like this guy!

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Heroes & Villains

I know you’re all probably getting sick of hearing about Osama Bin Laden and the “War on Terror” by now.  And I promise I will get back to stories of booze and boobs tomorrow, after this one last, final rant on our war with Islam.

The “War on Terror” did not start on 9/11, 2001.  And it did not end with Osama Bin Laden’s death.  If you’ll permit me just a couple minutes, I’d like to take you on a very quick journey through recent history.  Below are a few people you should never forget:

— John O’Neill.

John O’Neill was an FBI agent obsessed with the threat of Al Qaeda long before most of us had even heard of the terrorist organization.  Starting in 1995, when he helped capture one of the leaders of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, he spent the next six years tracking Al Qaeda and Bin Laden and sounding the alarm about the threat they posed.  In a sad irony not even Hollywood could have dreamed up, after O’Neill left the FBI due to disagreements over the handling of the USS Cole investigation, he took his next job in August, 2001, as head of security at the World Trade Center.  He died less than three weeks later in the second tower on 9/11.

For the complete story, read the New Yorker article here.

— Leon Klinghoffer

Leon Klinghoffer was a retired American businessman, confined to a wheelchair.  A peaceful man, with no ties to the military or any form of law enforcement, Klinghoffer was on a cruise with his wife for their 36th anniversary aboard the Achille Lauro when it was hijacked by a faction of the Palestinian Liberation Organization in October of 1985.  (16 years before 9/11.)

During the hijacking, Klinghoffer was singled out for being both an American and a Jew.  He was executed, shot in the head and chest, and both he and his wheelchair were thrown overboard off the coast of Syria.

The leader of the hijacking, Abu Abbas, escaped prosecution for his involvement in Klinghoffer’s murder by fleeing through several communist countries before finally settling down in Iraq.  There he was sheltered by Saddam Hussein for almost 20 years before finally being captured in 2003.  (Don’t ever say Saddam and Iraq weren’t involved in terrorism.)

— Robert Stethem

US Navy Seabee Robert Dean Stethem was aboard TWA Flight 847 in June of 1985 when it was hijacked by members of Hezbollah and Islamic Jihad.  (Isn’t it funny how the same groups that were hijacking planes twenty-some years ago are now passing themselves off as legitimate political parties in the “peace process” with Israel?)

Stethem was singled out by the terrorists for being an American serviceman.  They beat him, tortured him, and finally shot him in the head and threw his body on the tarmac of Beirut International Airport.

One of the hijackers, Mohammed Ali Hammadi, was caught two years later in Germany, attempting to smuggle explosives.  He was convicted of Stethem’s murder and sentenced to life in prison.  However, he was paroled in 2005.  In June of 2010 he was killed by a US bomb near the Pakistan-Afghan border.

— Imad Mughniyah

You should never forget Imad Mughniyah either, but for far different reasons.  One of the worst terrorists ever, Mughniyah was behind more attacks and murders than we can even begin to fathom.  Just a few of these include the aforementioned hijacking of TWA Flight 847; the bombing of the US Embassy in Beirut in 1983 (sixty-plus killed); the Marine barracks bombing, also in Beirut in 1983 (241 Marines killed); and the bombing of the Isreali Embassy in Argentina in 1992 (29 killed).

Mughniyah evaded capture much longer than Osama Bin Laden, but eventually he also met his demise.  In February of 2008 he was killed on the street in Damascus, Syria by a car bomb exploded as he walked by.  It is still not known whether he was assassinated by Israeli intelligence or by a rival faction within the incestuous world of Islamic fundamentalism.  But as long as he’s dead that’s all that matters to me.

And there you have it.  Three heroes and a handful of monsters.  Don’t forget any of them.  Notice two of the heroes were murdered long before Osama Bin Laden ever came along, long before Al Qaeda was a household word.  And notice none of the monsters had any direct links to Bin Laden or Al Qaeda, and yet each of them died quite recently right in the middle of the “War on Terror.”

This war isn’t over.  Not by a long shot.

Just 1.6 Billion to go…

-Osama Bin Laden (upper body injury) will not return to the game.

Too bad we had to be all respectful and bury his body at sea and in accordance with Muslim traditions.  He sure didn’t observe any such respect to his victims.  We should have wrapped him in bacon and strung him up in front of the World Trade Center site.