No More Memorials

Today marks the 11th anniversary of 9/11, which means you have probably spent about 98% of your day being bombarded with eulogies, remembrances, moments of silence, somber reflections, and heartfelt pontifications on one of the most sinister attacks ever on our nation.

Well, not here.  I’m done with memorializing 9/11.

Because I’m tired of empty words and emptier promises.  I’m sick of snivelling, whiny pussies talking about the tragedy of 9/11.  9/11 was not a tragedy, it was an outrage.  It was a war crime.  A tragedy is when someone comes down with some inexplicable disease for no discernible reason.  This was an attack, perpetrated by an evil religion that hasn’t evolved one iota from its inception 13 centuries ago.

Until this nation begins to take the war with Islam* seriously, paying tribute to the victims of 9/11 is like paying tribute to a murder victim while steadfastly refusing to investigate their killer.

Do you think our grandparents stopped on December 7th, 1944 to pay tribute to the victims of Pearl Harbor?  No, because they were too busy AVENGING it!!!!!!!!  The time for honoring and remembering and paying tribute is after you’ve made sure it won’t happen again.  But somehow this generation has missed that step.  We’ve gone straight from getting kicked in the nuts to remembering how bad it felt to get kicked in the nuts, without doing a goddamn thing to make sure we don’t get kicked in the nuts again.

I’ll rant more on this later, I just had to get that off my chest.

*Notice I didn’t say the War on Terror.  Make no mistake about it, this is a war of cultures.  On one side you have Islam, which is currently engaged in some form of terror and/or warfare on every inhabited continent in the world.  Muslims are currently waging “holy wars” against Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, and every other religion that has dared to try and exist within shouting distance of the religion of Hate.  Islam is the one common denominator in roughly 95% of the world’s conflicts today.  At some point we have to put our political correctness aside and call a spade a spade.  Or, in this case, a Muslim a murdering soulless murderer bent on world domination.

Happy Hiroshima Day!

Remember the good ol’ days when we used to end wars?  Y’know, by actually defeating our enemy?  As opposed to now, when we just fight for a little while, then declare “Mission accomplished.”

And don’t forget to celebrate Nagasaki Day on Thursday!

Still Suffering From Writer’s Block

Hopefully something will kick it free soon.  Like some political rantings maybe:

Or sports.  Football is a long ways off and all my hockey teams are out of the playoffs (although I have a small amount of love for the poor Phoenix Coyotes), but Team USA is doing well in the World Championships.  They buried defending champs and host Finland 5-0 over the weekend:

If all else fails there’s always boobs:

I have a feeling alcohol has in some way been responsible for my total brain shutdown, but maybe more alcohol can jump start it again:

And if all else fails, try the boobs again!

Or maybe a little ass just to mix it up:

Something’s gotta work sooner or later.  Bear with me.

Post of the Year?

Hard to believe it’s been a year that I’ve been blogging here at Single White Alcoholic Seeks Same.  It’s been a lot of fun, although I must admit I got a little depressed when I realized I didn’t have enough stories of my own to keep it going without branching out my subject matter.  (In retrospect I should have spaced out the drinking, swearing and fornicating stories a little more.  Oh well.)

In perusing my site stats, I’ve been surprised to find that by far my most viewed blog was How Rambo Saved the World.  All those good stories about me getting shitface drunk, swinging and missing repeatedly with the ladies, and apparently what people really want to read is my somewhat-right-of-Attila-the-Hun political ramblings.  Who knew there were other Cold War buffs out there?  I sure never meet them; people look at me like I’m a fucking weirdo when I refer to them as “commie pinko bastards.”  (I always mean it in the nicest way possible…)

The secret of my success

But who knows, maybe in the next year I’ll start writing more about violence and war.  After all, man cannot survive on sex and booze alone!  Maybe if I try really hard I can get CAIR (the Council on American-Islamic Relations) to label this page a hate site!

Hey, you gotta have goals!

This post is dedicated to the memory of Theo Van Gogh, murdered for speaking the truth about Islam.

I Am Not a Racist (I’m Just an Asshole)

It has been brought to my attention recently that the title of my blog could be construed as racist. So I’d like to take this time to set the record straight.

The inspiration for the title comes from old fashioned personal ads. Those of you old enough to remember the days before internet dating (or those of you that have seen crappy old romantic comedies) will recall that people used to place ads in the newspaper with messages like “Single white male seeks…” or “Divorced black female seeks…”

You may or may not also be aware that when gay people placed personal ads they would often say something like “Single white male seeks same.” So, taking these conventions as inspiration, I tailored my own unique twist and came up with “Single White Alcoholic Seeks Same.”

 

For the record, I am not gay, I am not racist, and for the last nine months I haven’t even been single. (I was single when I started my writings; now I’m using “single” in the more liberal sense, as in “not married.”  Pray I don’t ever have to change this blog to “The Neutered White Alcoholic!”) 

The “white” part just fit with the theme of an old-fashioned personal ad.  It’s just a name I came up with. It sounded funny when I thought it up so I went with it.  I have no issues with any race.  I’ve drank with Mexicans, had sex with Asians, and I’ll be voting for a black man in 2012.

You got a problem with that?

On a separate note, today is the Marine Corps’ 236th birthday.  For those of you keeping track at home, the Marine Corps is actually a year older than the United States.  That’s right, they not only protect the good ol’ U S of A, they basically created it!  In honor of the finest soldiers in the world, I present you with a hot girl in USMC bodypaint:

And a hot girl taking off a Marine uniform:

And, finally, what I think is an actual, real-life Marine.  At the risk of making light of all our soldiers do, I would totally go to war with this girl!

Semper Fi all of you.

Laugh for the Day

I don’t usually try to get too political on my blog.  Other than the occasional rant against Islam (notice I don’t say “radical” Islam, because that would be redundant), I try to keep the politics to a minimum.  Michael Jordan famously said once, “Republicans buy shoes too.”  Well, likewise, liberals occasionally have the ability to read. 🙂

But this one was just too good not to share.  There’s a book out, 365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy that I get a daily email from.  Some of them are pretty good, some of them are pretty stupid, but today’s was an instant classic:

Reason #309: Instead of POTUS prefer COOTUS

(Community Organizer of the United States)

 

Channel Your Inner “Ugly American”

I considered just re-posting my Memorial Day Weekend blog for this 4th of July, but then I thought “What kind of example would that set?”  This is the birthday of our great nation.  Writing something blatantly offensive and nationalistic is the very least I can to honor my country.

So, in that spirit, I’ve made just a small list of ways that you too can honor the greatest country on earth.  I would suggest you make a drinking game out of it with your friends; whoever checks each of these off your list first gets a free drink from the rest of the group.

Here’s the list:

–Find a Canadian person and complete at least two of the following: 1) Refer to Canada as “America’s hat.”  2) Talk mad shit about the Vancouver Canucks losing the Stanley Cup, thus extending Canada’s Cup-less streak to 18 years.  Make sure to tell them that Canada’s prized goalie, Roberto Luongo, was the third best goalie in a two team finals.  And 3) ask them if the western Canadian provinces will really try to join the United States after those pesky French Canadians secede in Quebec.

–Start a “U S A!  U S A!” chant for no reason whatsoever in a wildly inappropriate place, like church or the grocery store.

–Wear a blatantly patriotic and offensive T-shirt.  Here are a few suggestions, courtesy of thoseshirts.com:

–Watch A Few Good Men and tell everyone around you how Jack Nicholson is the real hero of the movie.  If anyone tries to argue shout them down with one line: “You can’t handle the truth!”

–Make fun of soccer.  Mercilessly.  The only exception: It’s ok to watch the women’s World Cup under the pretense that you’re cheering for America, even though we both know you’re just hoping some chick will rip her shirt off again.

–Include the word “fucking” when mentioning any other nationality.  Fucking Russians, fucking British, fucking Chinese, fucking Mexicans (although you should be careful with this one in most parts of America).  Fucking Irish, fucking Germans, fucking Brazilians, fucking Egyptians.  Try it, I think you’ll find it’s a lot of fun.  Fucking French, fucking Nepalese…

–Drink American.  No imported beers, no Polish vodkas, no Caribbean rums.  For one weekend you can consume American booze.  I recommend Tito’s Vodka or Budweiser’s new patriotic cans.

–Have sex with an American girl.  I know a lot of people bag on Americans, call us fat and lazy and all kinds of other shit, but I still say American girls are better than any other nation’s females. Australia isn’t far behind, but at least on this one day you can do the right thing and bang an American chick.

–If for some reason you absolutely must have sex with a non-American girl (like if you’re married to a foreigner, if you’re a gigolo, or if it’s last call and you’ve struck out with all the American girls), make sure they know you’re only “planting your flag” as conquest and in honor of the greatest nation on earth.  Be sure to tell them this before, during and after sex.

–Go to a Civil War reenactment and treat it like a sporting event, cheering madly for the guys in Blue.  Mock and taunt anyone with a Confederate flag like you would your worst sports rival.

–Spend an obscene amount of money on fireworks.  Then start blowing shit up.

–If anyone dares to criticize any of your showings of patriotism accuse them of being a communist.  If you’re sober enough to form coherent sentences you can use the proper wording: “Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?”  If you’re not sober enough to sound erudite and sophisticated (and I’m hoping you’re not), simply screaming “COMMIE!  COMMIE PINKO SCUM!” will be more than sufficient.

–Ladies, wear a patriotic bikini to make us all stand at attention.

–Order a pizza with extra bacon and have it delivered to your local mosque.  (Disclaimer: this could be a hate crime where you live.  I do NOT advocate breaking any laws.)

–Play poker with your friends.  Poker is the ultimate American card game.  It was invented here, perfected here, and is as much a staple of the Wild West culture as cowboys, guns and hookers.

–Put flags on everything.  Fly them from your porch, your car, your boat, your dog.  Use tablecloths, napkins and plates with flags on them.  Paint your face, slap on fake tattoos.  Put flag stickers on everything, whether it belongs to you or not.

–Enter an eating contest.  There are few things more American than wanton gluttony.  But, if you do, you must beat any and all foreigners in the contest.  Even if you’re up against the great Kobayashi.  So be careful with this one.

–Start a fight with a foreigner.  Any foreigner.

–Ladies, give a serviceman and/or veteran a blow job.  Double points if he’s a complete stranger.  Quadruple points if he’s been wounded or disabled.  This one isn’t even a joke.  It’s the right thing to do.

–Go out of your way to be the very essence of the “Ugly American.”  Be loud, rude, abrasive and, above all, drunk!

God Bless America.