Ode to the Bikini- The Director’s Cut!

No, that's not me. I'm not that fat. Yet.

My first re-post.  I swear it’s not because I’m lazy, or running out of material, or even because I’m suffering from writer’s block (which I am).  Nope, I just love bikinis that much.  And with warm weather coming our way it’s time to celebrate my favorite time of year.  So enjoy this oldie but goodie, with a few extra goodies for your viewing enjoyment.

It’s almost my favorite time of year.  That’s right, the time of year when it finally gets hot enough outside for girls to start wearing their bikinis.

I have an odd, borderline creepy fetish for a woman in a bikini.  Forget lingerie, forget French maid outfits, forget Catholic schoolgirl costumes.  If a girl really wants to drive me nuts, just come to my bed in a string bikini.  And let me untie the strings.

I know none of you really give a shit about the history of the bikini so I’ll keep it brief.  The modern bikini was invented in 1946 by Frenchman Louis Reard, which I believe makes him, after Joan of Arc, exactly the second French person in their entire history worth remembering.  Reard named the bikini after the Bikini Atoll islands in the South Pacific, where atomic bomb testing was going on.  The implication, of course, was that this shocking new piece of women’s clothing would cause shockwaves the world over.  And god damn if he wasn’t right!

I’m not sure exactly where my personal obsession with the bikini came from.  It might have been the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, and the original Bond girl Honey Rider (aka Ursula Andress).

Or it might have been the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and the most beautiful woman who ever lived, Elle Macpherson.  (Too bad she’s a socialist.)

Whatever it was, I’m still hooked to this day.  Follow me on a quick journey through some of the styles, motifs and uses for the modern bikini….

The bikini has evolved by leaps and bounds since its introduction 65 years ago.  There are so many cuts and styles it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight.  But here are just a few:

The traditional bikini.

The triangle top.  Less fabric, more skin.

The string bikini.  Nothing quite like untying one of these.  One little pull on the waist or behind the neck and voila!

Strapless.  Makes for better tan lines.

The teardrop.  Even less fabric.

Slingshot.  Not very functional, but extremely eye catching.

The see thru.  Probably not appropriate for most public outings, but if you have sexy pierced nipples like these why not?

Stringless.  Only for the truly brave, and those with an absolutely amazing body.

Fishnet.  Similar to the see thru, not for the faint of heart, or places with obscenity laws.

The sports bra, or beach volleyball bikini.  For the athletes.  Rockin’ abs not required, but definitely appreciated.

But the versatility of the bikini doesn’t end just with different styles.  The bikini can also be an expression of your personality, your passion and your allegiances:

First and foremost among these is patriotism.  There is nothing sexier than a girl showing her love of country with a red, white and blue ensemble.  If this doesn’t make you “stand at attention” then you’re probably a pinko commie.

Alongside love of country, camouflage shows a deep respect  and appreciation of our military.

Similarly, love of your home state (in this case Texas) can be very hot.  I wish I was from Texas.

But if you really want to get a guy’s attention, show your devotion to your favorite sports team.  DA BEARS!!

Alas, my girlfriend hates the Bears (she’s a fucking Vikqueens fan), so that’s out of the question.  And they don’t make Chief Illiniwek bikinis.  But I have convinced her to wear this Buffalo Sabres bikini.  I can almost guarantee premature ejaculation is in store…

And while I am so adamantly jingoistic and nationalist it clouds my judgment on anyone who’s not American, even I can grudgingly admit some of these foreign girls look pretty good rockin’ their countries’ colors:

I will be the first to admit, the bikini isn’t for everyone.  Not every girl can pull it off.  But, that being said, the bikini can accommodate a wide range of body types:

It’s perfect for girls who want to show off their surgically enhanced breasts.

But I don’t discriminate.  It looks great on the flat chested girls too.

Buff girls look especially hot in bikinis.

So good, in fact, they deserve some extra love.

And even the voluptuous girls can still look good in one.

But I have to draw the line somewhere!

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I apologize, won’t happen again.  But bikinis are also great for showing off a woman’s ink.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I love the bikini.  It really does make most everything better.  For instance, bikinis make scenery shots a thousand times better.  Tell me you don’t want to visit these places more after seeing a girl like this in the pic.

Bikinis are so fucking hot they even look great on pornstars, and they get naked for a living!

Vegas has cashed in on bikini mania by opening pool parties at all the major casinos.  I am a huge fan of this.  The only thing hotter than a beautiful girl using the bikini for it’s originally intended purpose, swimming…

…is beautiful women wearing bikinis as their club outfit, with no intention of ever getting in the pool…

And so there you have it.  My ode to the bikini.  Thank god summer is almost here!  I’ll be out by the pool every chance I get, sippin’ on pool smoothies (that’s right, smoothies and vodka) and hoping to see something like this:

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And the Winner is….

The winner of this year’s Bowl Game Pick ‘Em Challenge is none other than my dear friend CountryWe won’t speak about how I did in the standings.

Those of you who have read some of Country’s exploits will no doubt already know why I love her.  (I’ve often referred to her as the big-breasted younger sister I never had.)  This is the woman who set me up on a blind date for her wedding with the infamous and amazing Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress (who, incidentally, still won’t let me write about her).

But now, knowing that she is also the master of all football knowledge in the universe, how can you not think she’s the perfect woman?  I may hire her as a consultant for my fantasy football team next year.

Sorry guys: alas, she is already married, and to a man that can kick most of your asses.  So you’ll just have to dream of being so lucky.  But don’t worry, I’ll give you just a hint of her beauty to set your fantasies off.  (I had to scour through my old MySpace account to find this pic, so you fuckers better be grateful!)

Last Day to Join the Bowl Pick ‘Em Challenge

First game kicks off at 2pm Eastern tomorrow.  Here’s the link.  Come on, you know you want to…

And on a personal note, I have a new nemesis.  Someone decided to challenge my supremacy by signing up for the challenge under the name “Single Brown Alcoholic.”  Well guess what buddy?  Now it’s a race war!

(I’m only kidding.  SBA is actually the infamous Blackout that’s made so many of my stories.  But I’m still gonna kick his ass!)

Special thanks to Tempe12.com for their outrageously hot pics.  If I ever have a son he’s going to be a Sun Devil!

The SWASS Bowl Pick ‘Em Challenge

I love college football.  And although it’s been a little tough to watch this year (I don’t know what’s worse, the Sandusky scandal or the proliferation of the spread offense), I am still a fanatic.  And I love bowl games.  I know they’re not an ideal system, but rather than whine and moan about how much better a playoff would be, I prefer to just love the bowls the way they are.  Think of them like your not-quite-all-there child, your love has to be unconditional.

But I have a problem with most bowl pools.  Basically, all pick ’em leagues fall into one of two categories: Either all games are weighted the same –so that big FIU-Marshall matchup is worth the same as the National Championship– or you pick your “confidence” and self-rate the importance of the bowls –so you can actually make the National Championship the least important game.

So, after spending the better part of a week scouring the internet high and low, I finally found a site that would allow me to customize my own scoring system.  For the curious, here’s how I broke it down:

-Each unranked non-AQ (automatic qualifier) is worth 1 point.

-Each unranked AQ team is worth 2 points. (Notre Dame counts as an AQ, BYU does not.  Fuck BYU.)

-Each top 25 team is worth 3 points.

-Each top 10 team is worth 4 points.

-Each top 2 team is worth 5 points.

-And just for good measure, the five BCS bowls get a one point bonus.

The link to the pool is here.  What’s at stake?  Well, as you might already know, I actually work for an NCAA athletic department, so it would be illegal for me to be involved in any sort of sports wagering (that’s why I would never ever play fantasy football, or hockey, or basketball…).  But I will honor the winner by lauding them copiously on this here blog, meaning you will be an overnight celebrity to literally dozens of people.  What more could you ask for?

Ok, here we go.  Below I’ve put a list of the bowls along with some useful information like records, locations and point spreads.  And, of course, a little inspiration to help you make your picks!  (*Note: Hottness of co-eds should not be used as a factor in making your picks!*

December 17th

Wyoming

Gildan New Mexico Bowl

Temple (8-4) vs. Wyoming (8-4)

Albuquerque, NM 2:00 PM

Spread: Temple -6.5

2 POINTS

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Ohio (9-4) vs. Utah State (7-5)

Boise, ID 5:30PM

Spread: USU -3.5

2 POINTS

San Diego State

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

San Diego State (8-4) vs. Louisiana-Lafayette (8-4)

New Orlenas, LA 9:00 PM

Spread: SDSU -5.5

2 POINTS

December 20th

Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl St. Petersburg

Florida International (8-4) vs. Marshall (6-6)

St. Petersburg, FL 8:00 PM

Spread: FIU -4.5

2 POINTS

December 21st

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

#18 TCU (10-2) vs. Louisiana Tech (8-4)

San Diego, CA 8:00 PM

Spread: TCU -11

4 POINTS

Arizona State

December 22nd

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas

Arizona State (6-6) vs. #7 Boise State (11-1)

Las Vegas, NV 8:00 PM

Spread: Boise -14

6 POINTS

Did I mention Arizona State???

Southern Miss

December 24th

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Nevada (7-5) vs. #21 Southern Miss (11-2)

Honolulu, HI 8:00 PM

Spread:  USM -6

4 POINTS

December 26th

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl

Missouri (7-5) vs. North Carolina (7-5)

Shreveport, LA 5:00 PM

Spread: Missouri -3.5

4 POINTS

December 27th

Little Caesars Bowl

Western Michigan (7-5) vs. Purdue (6-6)

Detroit, MI 4:30 PM

Spread: Purdue -2.5

3 POINTS

North Carolina State

Belk Bowl

Lousiville (7-5) vs. North Carolina State (7-5)

Charlotte, NC 8:00 PM

Spread: NCSU -1.5

4 POINTS

December 28th

Military Bowl Pres. By Northrup Grumman

Toledo (8-4) vs. Air Force (7-5)

Washington, DC 4:30 PM

Spread: Toledo -3

2 POINTS

Texas

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl

California (7-5) vs. #24 Texas (7-5)

San Diego, CA 8:00 PM

Spread: Texas -3.5

5 POINTS

December 29th

Champs Sports Bowl

Florida State (8-4) vs. Notre Dame (8-4)

Orlando, FL  5:30 PM

Spread: FSU -3

4 POINTS

Florida State

That's right, Florida Fucking State!

Valero Alamo Bowl

Washington (7-5) vs. #12 Baylor (9-3)

San Antonio, TX 9:00 PM

Spread: Baylor -9

5 POINTS

December 30th

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl

BYU (9-3) vs. Tulsa (8-4)

Ft. Worth, TX 12:00 PM

Spread: BYU -3

2 POINTS

Iowa State

New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Rutgers (8-4) vs. Iowa State (6-6)

Bronx, NY 3:20 PM

Spread: Rutgers -2

4 POINTS

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Mississippi State (6-6) vs. Wake Forest (6-6)

Nashville, TN 6:40 PM

Spread: MSU -6.5

4 POINTS

Oklahoma

Insight Bowl

Iowa (7-5) vs. #14 Oklahoma (9-3)

Tempe, AZ 10:00 PM

Spread: OK -14.5

5 POINTS

December 31st

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas

Texas A&M (6-6) vs. Northwestern (6-6)

Houston, TX 12:00 PM

Spread: A&M -11

4 POINTS

Texas A&M (Just for my friend LC Aggie Sith)

Hyundai Sun Bowl

Georgia Tech (8-4) vs. Utah (7-5)

El Paso, TX 2:00 PM

Spead: GT -3

4 POINTS

UCLA

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl

Illinois (6-6) vs. UCLA (6-7)

San Francisco, CA 3:30 PM

Spread: IL -3

4 POINTS

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

Cincinnati (9-3) vs. Vanderbilt (6-6)

Memphis, TN 3:30 PM

Spread: Vandy -3

4 POINTS

Chick-fil-A Bowl

Virginia (8-4) vs. #25 Auburn (7-5)

Atlanta, GA 7:30 PM

Spread: Auburn -1

5 POINTS

January 2nd

TicketCity Bowl

#19 Houston (12-1) vs. #22 Penn State (9-3)

Dallas, TX 12:00 PM

Spread: UH -6

6 POINTS

Nebraska

Capital One Bowl

#20 Nebraska (9-3) vs. #9 South Carolina (10-2)

Orlando, FL 1:00 PM

Spread: SCar -1

7 POINTS

Outback Bowl

#17 Michigan State (10-3) vs. #16 Georgia (10-3)

Tampa, FL 1:00 PM

Spread: UGA -3.5

6 POINTS

Michigan State

Ohio State

Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl

Ohio State (6-6) vs. Florida (6-6)

Jacksonville, FL 1:00 PM

Spread: FL -2

4 POINTS

Florida

Oregon

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Vizio

#10 Wisconsin (11-2) vs. #5 Oregon (11-2)

Pasadena, CA 5:00 PM

Spread: Oregon -6.5

9 POINTS

Wisconsin (look at the beer bong technique!)

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl

#4 Stanford (11-1) vs. #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)

Glendale, AZ 8:30 PM

Spread: OSU -3.5

9 POINTS

Oklahoma State

Michigan

Allstate Sugar Bowl

#13 Michigan (10-2) vs. #11 Virginia Tech (11-2)

New Orleans, LA 8:30 PM

Spread: Mich -1.5

7 POINTS

January 4th

Discover Orange Bowl

#23 West Virginia (9-3) vs. #15 Clemson (10-3)

Miami, FL 8:30 PM

Spread: Clem -3

7 POINTS

West Virginia

Arkansas

January 6th

AT&T Cotton Bowl

#8 Kansas State (10-2) vs. #6 Arkansas (10-2)

Arlington, TX 8:00 PM

Spread: Ark -7.5

8 POINTS

January 7th

BBVA Compass Bowl

SMU (7-5) vs. Pittsburgh (6-6)

Birmingham, AL 1:00 PM

Spread: Pitt -5.5

3 POINTS

January 8th

GoDaddy.com Bowl

Arkansas State (10-2) vs. Northern Illinois (10-3)

Mobile, AL 9:00 PM

Spread: ASU -1

2 POINTS

LSU

January 9th

Allstate BCS National Championship

#2 Alabama (11-1) vs. #1 LSU (13-0)

New Orleans, LA 8:30 PM

Spread: LSU -0.5

11 POINTS

Alabama

Once again, here’s the link to the pool.  Good luck!

The Dead Pool

Call me sick, but I am super excited to announce I have joined the Hookers and Booze Dead Pool.  You can find all the details here, but in a nutshell here’s the rules:

1) Pick 25 people you think will die in the next year.

2) Get points for each one that kicks the bucket.  Points are based off the person’s age (100 minus their age).  So there’s some strategy involved; you can pick old farts like B.B. King (86 years old) and the odds are good he’ll kick the bucket, but you only get 14 points for him.  However, if you roll the dice on Lindsay Lohan (25 years old) you stand to rake in 75 big points.

Maybe I’m just a morbid asshole, or maybe my fantasy football team is just that bad this season (damn you, Matt Ryan, I was coutning on you to be huge!), but this is just about the most exciting thing I’ve got going in my life right now.  Well, that and my beloved Buffalo Sabres starting 5-1 this season.  I’ve put together my rough draft list, but I’m open to suggestions.  I’ve got until October 30th to make changes, so if anyone has any brilliant suggestions I’m not at all above sharing the credit.

Without giving away all of my names, here’s a few of my candidates:

–Joe Paterno- The oldest on my list by far.  The only way that guy leaves the coaching field is in a body bag.  And some Penn State fans are hoping for just that.

–Charlie Sheen & Lindsay Lohan- At 46, he’s the very definition of “low risk, high reward.”  At 25, Lohan is Sheen to the Nth degree.

–Metta World Peace (a.k.a. Ron Artest) & Allen Iverson- I’m betting the NBA lockout causes some serious self-destructive tendencies in many NBA stars.  Artest, er, I mean, Metta World Peace already seems to have fallen off the deep end.  As for Iverson, well, the only thing worse than losing an NBA season?  Not being able to find a job playing semi-pro ball in Kazakhstan because you lost your job to a locked out NBA player who isn’t quite washed up yet.

–Lil Wayne & The Game- I don’t know much about hip-hop, but I know rappers with big mouths don’t live very long.

–Pacman Jones- Haven’t heard much from him lately.  But he’s still a fuck-up, and he’s still a Bengal.  Neither of those tend to be good for life longevity.

–Michael Douglas, Roger Ebert & Courtney Love- Just playin’ the percentages here.

–Jenna Jameson- What do pornstars do when people stop whacking off to them?  I don’t know either, but I’m guessing they don’t start baking cookies.

–Rodney King- I know, I know, I’m a racist asshole.  But consider the facts: since the infamous police beating, King has been arrested twice (beating his wife and driving drunk), shot once (supposedly while someone was trying to steal his motorcycle), and appeared on two different celebrity rehab TV shows.  The man is a mess.

–Ronnie, Sammi, Snooki & Situation- I’m betting heavy on the Jersey Shore crew.  My dream scenario would be that Ron and Sam kill each other in a murder/suicide, and somehow a stray bullet takes out one of the others.  But not JWoww, it would be a shame to lose her fake breasts before their time.

–Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hamid Karzai & Ali Abdullah-Saleh- It’s possible my biases against the Muslim world are showing through here.  But the entire Islamic world is being racked by supposedly Democratic protests and revolutions that are, in reality, just a worldwide uprising of Islamic fascism.  I’m betting that some of these leaders suffer the same fate as Qadaffi.

Honorable Mention- Some others I’ve been considering but haven’t made the cut just yet: Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, Chyna, the Dalai Lama, Bill Romanowski, Larry Merchant, Morgan Freeman, Kim Jong-Il, Keith Olbermann.

Please feel free to send me any suggestions.  There’s really only two rules you have to remember for this game, and I will quote the geniuses at Hookers and Booze for both:

–“No US political figures. The last thing I need is the fucking Secret Service seizing my server.”

–“If you are convicted of causing the death of any of the celebrities on your list, you forfeit the game. No cheating.”

Good luck!

May all your picks wind up like this guy!

Do You Really Care?

A quick post today about my newest pet peeve.

In surfing through some other people’s blogs looking for inspiration, I noticed a strange (to me) phenomenon: people reporting what they were listening to while writing their post.  Some people even go so far as to report how many cups of coffee they’ve had on the day of their post, or some other inane personal tidbit that is completely irrelevant to their actual post.

This got me wondering… I don’t care if the author was listening to U2 or Justin Bieber; if they were wearing their pajamas or a 3-piece suit; if they were sipping on an iced caramel latte or a Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper (although I do care if you were drinking a strong alcoholic beverage; that’s always good information to have).

The point, I guess, is that people should be reading blogs for content.  Would it make my stories better if I told you I wrote them sitting at my desk at work when I was supposed to be working on a big project?  Or that I masturbated three times while deciding which picture I wanted to post today to offend the Preacher’s Daughter?  (Just kidding, PK!)

Just for you, PK! Even gave it a southern flair for you. Go Georgia!

For the record, I wrote this post while listening to Jewel.  That’s right, Jewel.  She’s the greatest singer/songwriter of our generation.  I love her music and I’m not ashamed of it.

I was wearing slacks and a polo shirt today when I wrote this.  The blue of the polo shirt really sets off my eyes.  Or so I’ve been told.

I was drinking water from the drinking fountain, but in my stylish Buffalo Sabres Tervis Tumbler.

Oh, and I was wearing black briefs today, just in case you were wondering.  They give me support in all the right places so I don’t care what you think.  Laugh away, assholes.

And the Winner Is…

Congrats to Danielle Moinet on running away with the title in my List of 5 voting.  I’m sure she’s extremely honored to make my list.

Stay tuned, new stories coming this week…