Still Suffering From Writer’s Block

Hopefully something will kick it free soon.  Like some political rantings maybe:

Or sports.  Football is a long ways off and all my hockey teams are out of the playoffs (although I have a small amount of love for the poor Phoenix Coyotes), but Team USA is doing well in the World Championships.  They buried defending champs and host Finland 5-0 over the weekend:

If all else fails there’s always boobs:

I have a feeling alcohol has in some way been responsible for my total brain shutdown, but maybe more alcohol can jump start it again:

And if all else fails, try the boobs again!

Or maybe a little ass just to mix it up:

Something’s gotta work sooner or later.  Bear with me.

Ode to the Bikini- The Director’s Cut!

No, that's not me. I'm not that fat. Yet.

My first re-post.  I swear it’s not because I’m lazy, or running out of material, or even because I’m suffering from writer’s block (which I am).  Nope, I just love bikinis that much.  And with warm weather coming our way it’s time to celebrate my favorite time of year.  So enjoy this oldie but goodie, with a few extra goodies for your viewing enjoyment.

It’s almost my favorite time of year.  That’s right, the time of year when it finally gets hot enough outside for girls to start wearing their bikinis.

I have an odd, borderline creepy fetish for a woman in a bikini.  Forget lingerie, forget French maid outfits, forget Catholic schoolgirl costumes.  If a girl really wants to drive me nuts, just come to my bed in a string bikini.  And let me untie the strings.

I know none of you really give a shit about the history of the bikini so I’ll keep it brief.  The modern bikini was invented in 1946 by Frenchman Louis Reard, which I believe makes him, after Joan of Arc, exactly the second French person in their entire history worth remembering.  Reard named the bikini after the Bikini Atoll islands in the South Pacific, where atomic bomb testing was going on.  The implication, of course, was that this shocking new piece of women’s clothing would cause shockwaves the world over.  And god damn if he wasn’t right!

I’m not sure exactly where my personal obsession with the bikini came from.  It might have been the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, and the original Bond girl Honey Rider (aka Ursula Andress).

Or it might have been the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and the most beautiful woman who ever lived, Elle Macpherson.  (Too bad she’s a socialist.)

Whatever it was, I’m still hooked to this day.  Follow me on a quick journey through some of the styles, motifs and uses for the modern bikini….

The bikini has evolved by leaps and bounds since its introduction 65 years ago.  There are so many cuts and styles it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight.  But here are just a few:

The traditional bikini.

The triangle top.  Less fabric, more skin.

The string bikini.  Nothing quite like untying one of these.  One little pull on the waist or behind the neck and voila!

Strapless.  Makes for better tan lines.

The teardrop.  Even less fabric.

Slingshot.  Not very functional, but extremely eye catching.

The see thru.  Probably not appropriate for most public outings, but if you have sexy pierced nipples like these why not?

Stringless.  Only for the truly brave, and those with an absolutely amazing body.

Fishnet.  Similar to the see thru, not for the faint of heart, or places with obscenity laws.

The sports bra, or beach volleyball bikini.  For the athletes.  Rockin’ abs not required, but definitely appreciated.

But the versatility of the bikini doesn’t end just with different styles.  The bikini can also be an expression of your personality, your passion and your allegiances:

First and foremost among these is patriotism.  There is nothing sexier than a girl showing her love of country with a red, white and blue ensemble.  If this doesn’t make you “stand at attention” then you’re probably a pinko commie.

Alongside love of country, camouflage shows a deep respect  and appreciation of our military.

Similarly, love of your home state (in this case Texas) can be very hot.  I wish I was from Texas.

But if you really want to get a guy’s attention, show your devotion to your favorite sports team.  DA BEARS!!

Alas, my girlfriend hates the Bears (she’s a fucking Vikqueens fan), so that’s out of the question.  And they don’t make Chief Illiniwek bikinis.  But I have convinced her to wear this Buffalo Sabres bikini.  I can almost guarantee premature ejaculation is in store…

And while I am so adamantly jingoistic and nationalist it clouds my judgment on anyone who’s not American, even I can grudgingly admit some of these foreign girls look pretty good rockin’ their countries’ colors:

I will be the first to admit, the bikini isn’t for everyone.  Not every girl can pull it off.  But, that being said, the bikini can accommodate a wide range of body types:

It’s perfect for girls who want to show off their surgically enhanced breasts.

But I don’t discriminate.  It looks great on the flat chested girls too.

Buff girls look especially hot in bikinis.

So good, in fact, they deserve some extra love.

And even the voluptuous girls can still look good in one.

But I have to draw the line somewhere!

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I apologize, won’t happen again.  But bikinis are also great for showing off a woman’s ink.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I love the bikini.  It really does make most everything better.  For instance, bikinis make scenery shots a thousand times better.  Tell me you don’t want to visit these places more after seeing a girl like this in the pic.

Bikinis are so fucking hot they even look great on pornstars, and they get naked for a living!

Vegas has cashed in on bikini mania by opening pool parties at all the major casinos.  I am a huge fan of this.  The only thing hotter than a beautiful girl using the bikini for it’s originally intended purpose, swimming…

…is beautiful women wearing bikinis as their club outfit, with no intention of ever getting in the pool…

And so there you have it.  My ode to the bikini.  Thank god summer is almost here!  I’ll be out by the pool every chance I get, sippin’ on pool smoothies (that’s right, smoothies and vodka) and hoping to see something like this:

Labor Day Weekend

Normally on the big holidays I like to write a little about the true meaning of that day and encourage people to take just a moment or two to remember that holidays are not just a day off from work but are meant to honor someone who did something great for our nation.

But this is Labor Day Weekend.  And Labor Day doesn’t honor any heroes.  It’s not a time to remember fallen soldiers or anyone else who did anything of note.  Nope, Labor Day is a day off to honor every Joe and Jill Schmoe that works for a living.  And while that’s becoming more and more of a rare concept in this land of ours (where 1 in 7 people are on food stamps and nearly half the population gets more money from the federal government than they ever pay in taxes), I still refuse to honor people just for showing up to work five days a week.

It’s also important to note that Labor Day only exists because President Grover Cleveland wanted to appease the communist-backed labor unions but didn’t want to explicitly condone their movement by observing May Day (also known as International Workers Day, or Communist Workers’ Holiday).  So really, Labor Day is nothing but a holiday for pinkos and commies.

If I were truly a man of conviction I would refuse to even acknowledge Labor Day.  I would show up to work on that day and put my nose to the grindstone for eight hours to protest this evil day, this piece of the puzzle in the great international communist conspiracy.

But, alas, I am not that brave, nor that noble.  I’m a drunk.  And rather than making a stand against this great evil, this injustice against working Americans, I’d rather just get drunk and bitch about how the commies are still destroying our country even after Rambo won the Cold War. 

The really sad thing about Labor Day is if it were any other meaningless holiday, like Columbus Day or Flag Day or Arbor Day, it would be my favorite day of the year.  After all, it’s the opening weekend of college football!  It’s the last hurrah of summer, one of your last chances to see girls running around in bikinis, and the last big weekend where it will be warm enough to pass out drunk in a gutter and not wake up with hypothermia.  I love everything about the three day weekend.  Except for the whole communist conspiracy thing.

So, with that in mind, I have a couple suggestions to make Labor Day a truly great American holiday we can all enjoy without the nagging guilt that you’re contributing to the downfall of the free world:

1) Let’s re-name it Football Day.  A day to honor the greatest and most American of all sports.  Traditions don’t have to change at all, people can continue to drink and watch football all weekend long, only now it will actually show your patriotism to do so.  It’s a win-win for everyone!

2) Or, if we insist on continuing to call it Labor Day, let’s truly make it a celebration of working Americans.  How about this: anyone who has a full time job gets the weekend off, while anyone who collects a check from the government that isn’t a paycheck or retirement check has to work as a servant of working Americans for all 24 hours of Labor Day?  In other words, anyone on welfare, SNAP (Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program, formerly known as food stamps), unemployment, public housing assistance, LIHEAP (Low Income Housing Energy Assistance Program), WIC (Women, Infants and Children) TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), or any other government assistance program will have to spend Labor Day serving the people who pay for them to be leeches on society the other 364 days a year.

But until my ideas take off across the land, don’t feel bad, don’t fret and worry that celebrating Labor Day will lead to the downfall of America.  Nope, drink away, watch football to your heart’s content, ogle young girls in their little bikinis, and pass out anywhere you please.  Together we can take this holiday and make it ours!

The List of 5

My girlfriend and I recently had the “List of 5” talk.  You know, like the Friends episode, where they each get to make a list of five people who they would be allowed to cheat on their partner with.

So, after my girlfriend rattled off her list –clearly she’s been thinking about this for awhile– of Jason Statham, some baseball player I’d never heard of, etc. etc., she wanted me to give my list.

Now, I must admit I’ve always been a stats nerd.  I spend hours studying box scores.  I love fantasy football because I can waste an entire summer studying and projecting stats in preparation for our draft.  So, when she put me on the spot to name my list of five, I immediately thought I should play the percentages.  Instead of picking the five hottest women in all the world, who I will most likely never come within ten miles of, I thought my best strategy would be to pick people I might actually have a chance with.

The personal trainer at my gym with the ass that can crack walnuts.

The bartender at my favorite sports bar with the impossibly long legs.

Your cousin.

Well, apparently that’s not how this game is played.  Apparently you are only allowed to put people on your list that you have no chance of actually meeting.  In other words, this list is pure fantasy.  If you actually met someone on your list of five, got to know them, had a vibe with them, I can pretty much guarantee your significant other would find some loophole to remove them from contention.

But… I’m kinda bored tonight, and I don’t know what else to write about, so I’m going to give you my top candidates for the List of 5.  AND I’m going to let you all vote.  Top vote-getter is guaranteed a spot on the list.  So here goes:

(*Note: All ages, heights and measurements were taken off the internet.  I apologize for any mistakes.*)

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Danielle Moinet– 26 years old.  5’10”.  Measurements: 34B-25-34

Since the NFL announced it was becoming a two hand touch league, I’ve been in search of some football where they actually hit people.  And lo and behold, I’m pretty sure the Lingerie Football League is now hitting harder than Troy Polamalu is allowed to anymore.  Danielle plays for the Chicago Bliss, and if the Bears won’t be playing this fall I guess I’ll jump on the Bliss bandwagon.  “Da Bliss” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but Danielle’s beauty will help me get over that pretty quick I think…

Pros: Danielle isn’t some prissy glory seeking offensive player.  She’s a Defensive Back.

Cons:  Been a long time since I strapped on the pads as a high school linebacker.  Not sure I’m ready for full contact with Danielle.

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Jenny McCarthy– 38 years old.  5’6”.  Measurements: 38C-24-34

Besides being drop dead gorgeous, how could you not have a great time with crazy Jenny?  The girl is such a goof and has such an energetic personality.  It would probably drive me nuts after about three days.  But for one night?  Bring it!

Pros: Laughing during sex can be a great turn on.  Unless…

Cons:  Hey, what are you laughing at exactly???

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Paris Hilton– 30 years old.  5’8”.  Measurements: 34B-25-35

I can already sense people shaking their heads at this one.  Remember, this is not my list of girls I want to marry, just hot girls I’d like to spend one night with. Paris is spoiled, high maintenance, sometimes annoying, and possibly has a drug problem.  But she’s also smokin’ fuckin’ hot.  Just look at those legs.  And she banged Brian Urlacher, so you know she’s got good taste.

Pros: I’ve seen her sex tape.  She’s a very talented girl.

Cons: Besides those I previously mentioned?  Can’t really think of any.

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Trisha Lurie– 27 years old.  5’4”. Measurements: 34D-25-35

Just recently discovered Trisha and I have to admit I was instantly smitten.  Look at all that sexy ink!  And those eyes!  She’s blonde and sexy and feminine, but she’s also got a rough edge that I find very appealing.  And she’s also a very talented musician, which leads me to believe she would be quite the screamer in the sack.

 

Pros: Everything.  Absolutely everything.

Cons: I’m still trying to find one.

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Elle Macpherson– 48 years old.  6’0”.  Measurements: 36C-25-35

I think I first fell in love with Elle when I was about 13 years old.  And while she’s quite a bit older now and probably won’t be gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition anymore, it’s not just nostalgia when I say she’s still pretty fucking unbelievable.  She’s always had such style and class, she looks fantastic in either a bikini or an evening gown.

Pros: How many people have a chance to hook up with their first fantasy girl?

Cons: Although the accent is quite sexy, and I have absolutely nothing against Australia (definitely one of my top 3 countries), I’m still a nationalistic, jingoistic, belligerantly pro-American.

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Danica Patrick– 29 years old.  5’2”.  Measurements: 33A-24-34

Not too many short girls make my list, but Danica is a little sparkplug (no, that was not meant to be a racecar joke).  She’s smart, intense, sexy and fiery.  She’s also a Midwestern girl, which I still find very attractive even after all these years away from home.

Pros: Anyone that used to being behind the wheel of a racecar probably knows how to take charge.  I could handle being ridden like a cheap rental car for a night.

Cons:  I find her a lot less attractive since she joined NASCAR…

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Maria Sharapova– 24 years old.  6’2”.  Measurements: 33B-24-34

I do love the tall girls.  She could probably wrap those legs around me twice.  I’m not a big follower of tennis, but she’s a helluva competitor, has fought hard to overcome major shoulder issues.  And have you heard the way she grunts???  That kind of intensity would be something to behold in the bedroom.

Pros: Six-foot-two.  Nothing more to say.

Cons:  Sasha Vujacic?  Really?  Sasha fucking Vujacic???

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Kelli Hutcherson– 22 years old. 5’7”.  Measurements: Unknown

I am a boxing enthusiast, and as such I have a  grudge against most everything related to MMA or UFC.  But I’m making an exception for Strikeforce ring girl Kelli Hutcherson.  One look and I’m sure you can see why.  Hopefully this is just a stepping stone for her to becoming a ring girl for real boxing.

Pros: Tall, blonde and extremely fit.  Clearly a sports fan.  (See the effect she has on me, I just referred to ultimate fighting as a “sport.”)

Cons: Think she has any jealous boyfriends in the MMA world?  I like to think I’m a fairly tough guy, but I’m pretty certain I’d lose that fight.

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Ricki Raxxx– 30 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 36F-24-36

Let’s face it, as long as I’m fantasizing I might as well put a porn star on the list.  Ricki certainly doesn’t fit my normal type, she’s not tall or blonde or athletic (well, a different kind of athletic I suppose!), but there’s just something about her that gets me goin’.  Probably the boobs.

 

Pros: 36F.  Need I say more?

Cons: After some of the porn cocks she’s had, I might need to strap a board to my ass so I don’t fall in…

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Sarah Shahi– 31 years old.  5’3”.  Measurements: 34C-24-35

I’ve been a big fan of Sarah for a long time.  When she was a smokin’ hot lesbian on The L Word, when she was a smokin’ hot cop on Life (great show, wish it hadn’t gotten cancelled), I even saw a little independent film called Shades of Ray because she was in it (surprisingly good, BTW).

 

Pros: If you ever saw the way she moved in The L Word no other explanation would be necessary.

Cons:  Used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.  I hate the Cowboys.

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Wendy Rider– 32 years old.  5’9”.  Measurements: 36D-25-34

Yeah, I like buff girls.  And Wendy is chiseled!  Look at those abs, those legs, and of course the pierced nipple.  She calls herself the Muscle Barbie and it is a truly perfect description.  If they made Barbie dolls like her I probably would have played with dolls when I was a kid.

 

Pros: Tall, blonde and beautiful.  What more can you ask for?

Cons: Still thinking… Let me get back to you.

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Jenn Sterger– 27 years old.  5’5”.  Measurements: 36-24-33

Long before the NFL’s all-time interception leader made her a household name, I was a proud member of the Jenn Sterger fanclub.  In fact, when she first appeared on TV during the 2005 Florida State-Miami game in her trademark tank top and cowboy hat I was sold.  As she’s become more prominent and her wit and sports knowledge has become more obvious, I’ve only become more obsessed.

Pros: Seminoles fan.  I’ve always liked the ‘Noles, and now that my alma mater has killed their mascot I’ve declared myself a de facto ‘Nole for life.

Cons: Jenn recently had her breast implants removed.  Now, I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker; I’m a total shape guy (as you see from the wide range of bust sizes on this list).  But not having seen any post-implant pics, I can’t be sure.

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Voting is now open!

Ode to the Bikini

It’s almost my favorite time of year.  That’s right, the time of year when it finally gets hot enough outside for girls to start wearing their bikinis.

I have an odd, borderline creepy fetish for a woman in a bikini.  Forget lingerie, forget French maid outfits, forget Catholic schoolgirl costumes.  If a girl really wants to drive me nuts, just come to my bed in a string bikini.  And let me untie the strings.

I know none of you really give a shit about the history of the bikini so I’ll keep it brief.  The modern bikini was invented in 1946 by Frenchman Louis Reard, which I believe makes him, after Joan of Arc, exactly the second French person in their entire history worth remembering.  Reard named the bikini after the Bikini Atoll islands in the South Pacific, where atomic bomb testing was going on.  The implication, of course, was that this shocking new piece of women’s clothing would cause shockwaves the world over.  And god damn if he wasn’t right!

I’m not sure exactly where my personal obsession with the bikini came from.  It might have been the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, and the original Bond girl Honey Rider (aka Ursula Andress).

Or it might have been the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and the most beautiful woman who ever lived, Elle Macpherson.

Whatever it was, I’m still hooked to this day.  Follow me on a quick journey through some of the styles, motifs and uses for the modern bikini….

The bikini has evolved by leaps and bounds since its introduction 65 years ago.  There are so many cuts and styles it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight.  But here are just a few:

The traditional bikini.

The triangle top.  Less fabric, more skin.

The string bikini.  Nothing quite like untying one of these.  One little pull on the waist or behind the neck and voila!

Strapless.  Makes for better tan lines.

The teardrop.  Even less fabric.

Slingshot.  Not very functional, but extremely eye catching.

The see thru.  Probably not appropriate for most public outings, but if you have sexy pierced nipples like these why not?

Stringless.  Only for the truly brave, and those with an absolutely amazing body.

Fishnet.  Similar to the see thru, not for the faint of heart, or places with obscenity laws.

The sports bra, or beach volleyball bikini.  For the athletes.  Rockin’ abs not required, but definitely appreciated.

But the versatility of the bikini doesn’t end just with different styles.  The bikini can also be an expression of your personality, your passion and your allegiances:

First and foremost among these is patriotism.  There is nothing sexier than a girl showing her love of country with a red, white and blue ensemble.  If this doesn’t make you “stand at attention” then you’re probably a pinko commie.

Alongside love of country, camouflage shows a deep respect  and appreciation of our military.  This one’s for you, Luis.

Similarly, love of your home state (in this case Texas) can be very hot.  I wish I was from Texas.

But if you really want to get a guy’s attention, show your devotion to your favorite sports team.  DA BEARS!!

Alas, my girlfriend hates the Bears (she’s a fucking Vikqueens fan), so that’s out of the question.  And they don’t make Chief Illiniwek bikinis.  But I have convinced her to wear this Buffalo Sabres bikini.  I can almost guarantee premature ejaculation is in store…

I will be the first to admit, the bikini isn’t for everyone.  Not every girl can pull it off.  But, that being said, the bikini can accommodate a wide range of body types:

It’s perfect for girls who want to show off their surgically enhanced breasts.

But I don’t discriminate.  It also looks great on the flat chested girls.

Buff girls look especially hot in bikinis.

So good, in fact, they deserve some extra love.

And even the voluptuous girls can still look good in one.

But I have to draw the line somewhere!

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I apologize, won’t happen again.  But bikinis are also great for showing off a woman’s ink.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I love the bikini.  It really does make most everything better.  For instance, bikinis make scenery shots a thousand times better.  Tell me you don’t want to visit these places more after seeing a girl like this in the pic.

Bikinis are so fucking hot they even look great on pornstars, and they get naked for a living!

Vegas has cashed in on bikini mania by opening pool parties at all the major casinos.  I am a huge fan of this.  The only thing hotter than a beautiful girl using the bikini for it’s originally intended purpose, swimming…

…is beautiful women wearing bikinis as their club outfit, with no intention of ever getting in the pool…

And so there you have it.  My ode to the bikini.  Thank god summer is almost here!  I’ll be out by the pool every chance I get, sippin’ on pool smoothies (that’s right, smoothies and vodka) and hoping to see something like this:

Photo Blog

I’m being lazy today.  What the hell, it’s my birthday and I feel more like drinking than blogging.  So, for your reading/viewing pleasure, a collection of photos I’ve used for my header to date, and some possible future headers.  Let me know which ones you like best.  Or send me pics you think would make a great header.

The classic: I stole this one off some random girl’s MySpace page about 6 years ago.  No idea who she was or how I stumbled upon it, but I absolutely love this pic.  Anybody know what city that is?  I’m guessing Tampa or Miami.

 Another pic I stole from an unwitting female.  I actually know this girl, sort of, but she has no idea I “committed the robbery” as they say on Jersey Shore.

Here’s a classic shot of the Hindenberg disaster.  I often use this for my logo when I play fantasy sports, ’cause that’s usually how my teams wind up.  It’s also an excellent metaphor for most of my hook-ups (such as The Girl With the Glasses).

The perfect sentiment for March Madness.  Too bad my bracket was ruined shortly after St. Patrick’s Day this season.

How can you not love tanning booths???  They make girls dark and sexy.  It’s on my bucket list to have sex in a tanning booth someday.  I’ll probably wind up with a massive sunburn on my bald head (not to mention my bare ass), but it will be totally worth it.

And now, some possible future headline pics.  Let me know which ones you like best.

This one isn’t really up for debate.  It WILL be up during the Sabres playoff run.  (Not to worry, it will probably only last about 10 days.)

Morbid?  Yes.  Disgusting?  You bet.  A true reflection of my violently jingoistic, pro-American, pro-military, pro-killing-people-who-disagree-with-me stance?  Abso-fucking-lutely.

I’ll have to do some cropping to make him fit, but how can you not love Pearl Jam’s Alive guy?

Once again, patriotism (and blond girls) rule the day.

Need I say more?  There just aren’t enough girls like this out there.

It’s not often I promote anything positive with regards to a country not named the good ol’ U S of A, and even less often that I will have anything nice to say about the sport of soccer.  But this World Cup poster for England caused a huge stir in the Muslim world.  Apparently they thought the cross was a rallying cry for a new Crusade.  To which I can only respond: I wish!

Raise your hand if you love nipple rings!!

Studies have shown that 99% of men only watch beach volleyball for the girls in bikinis.  And although I am a big volleyball fan, and a big fan of Kerri Walsh’s game, I have to admit I still probably fall into that category.