Happy Birthday ‘Merica!!!!

Normally on Patriotic holidays I like to thump my chest and brag about how great our nation is.  I like to talk a little shit on all the lesser nations of the world (I’m talking to you, France), rub their nose in our superiority and basically be the typical Ugly American.

But for this 4th of July I’m going to embrace my inner George H.W. Bush and be a kinder, gentler American.  Today I’m just celebrating our nation by displaying a wide range of patriotic swimwear.  Because let’s face it, everybody loves hot girls.

God Bless America.

 (BTW, Fuck You, China.)

My Xmas List is Complete

I’ll be working my ass off the next couple days before heading home for Christmas, so you may not hear from me for awhile.  So, in no particular order, here’s what I’d like for Christmas:

–It’s the the drinking roulette wheel!  Shots for all!  Everyone wins!

–Peace in the Middle East.  (And by “peace” I mean Israel kicking the shit out of all their murdering ass-backwards neighbors.)

–Someone to hold at night.

–A playmate for my dog Patton.

Patton is a lab-heeler mix we got from the shelter. She's a little mischievous but the best dog ever.

–To meet this girl.

–The NCAA to give us our mascots back.

–Hollywood to make movies like they used to.  (I love it when asshole Americans save the world.)

–And a new bicycle.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Turkey Day Update

Last night we had people over for a little pre-Thanksgiving fun.

By my count, 7 people consumed just shy of a hundred beers.

What I learned:

1- My beer pong game needs a lot of work.

2- My shotgunning skills are even more woeful.

3- But my flip cup game is top fucking notch!

Now I’m serving as kitchen assistant (aka bitch) as the girlfriend prepares for the feast of all feasts.

My First Thanksgiving

 

Obviously this isn’t actually my first Thanksgiving, but it kind of feels that way.  See, since I left my home state of Illinois after college for the sunny beaches of San Diego 12 years ago, I’ve pretty much been on my own every Thanksgiving.  I have some distant relatives out that direction that I’d occasionally drive out to spend the day with, but for the most part (and certainly since I moved to End Of The World, Utah), Thanksgiving for me has consisted of lying around in my underwear with a microwave turkey dinner, watching football and generally having as little interaction with the outside world as possible.

But this will be my first Thanksgiving in co-habitation.  And Thanksgiving is the girlfriend’s favorite holiday, so it’s going to be a big deal.  In addition to having to wear pants (which I am not happy about), I’m going to have to entertain guests, help in the kitchen AND keep the coolers stocked with beer and ice.  I’m not sure I’m ready for all this.  Might need to pick up a bottle of vodka and maybe a porno to make it through the day…

(Note: I know I tend to make light of my relationship with the girlfriend, but just to give you a small idea of why I love her, here’s her explanation of why Thanksgiving is her favorite day of the year: “Beer, turkey and football!  What’s not to love???”)

So, in attempt to get in the Thanksgiving spirit, I’m going to make a small list of just some of the things I’m thankful for.  Hope you enjoy!

–I’m thankful for a full day of football.  Some great matchups too:  Cowboys-Dolphins, Ravens-49ers, and Lions-FudgePackers.  But as great as the NFL is, and three games will be a blast, I’m most excited about the Texas-Texas A&M matchup.  As if this game needed anything more to heat up the rivalry, A&M bolting for the SEC ought to kick this one up even another notch.  I have no particular rooting interest in this one, just looking forward to a great game highlighting the passion and intensity that puts college football head and shoulders above the NFL.

A&M will fit in with the Southern Belles of the SEC quite nicely

–I know it’s cliché, but I’m thankful for our military and the job they do for us every single day.  I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but the only thing I ever wanted to be when I was growing up was a United States Marine.  But then, when I was 16 years old a terrible thing happened: Bill Clinton was elected President.  In my young mind this was the most horrific thing that could ever occur, and the prospect of serving under a draft dodger turned my stomach.  So, when I didn’t get the ROTC scholarship I was up for, I basically gave up on a military career.  In retrospect, this was the biggest mistake of my life.  Letting one douchebag President affect my entire life, my devotion to my country, goes well beyond the realm of “teenage mistake” and into full-on stupidity.  So now I can never say I served my country, I can only thank others who have.  And so I must make a special thank you to all those who continue to serve under our current President, who makes us all long for the days of good ol’ Billy Bob…

–I’m thankful for The Walking Dead, without a doubt the best show on TV since The Shield finished up a few years back.  I’ve never been a horror movie fan, I don’t typically enjoy zombies or any of that stuff.  But Walking Dead is so well written, and does such a good job of showing the human side of a post-apocalyptic world, that I literally can’t stop watching.  If you aren’t watching yet check it out on AMC Sunday nights.

–And lastly, I’m thankful to The Feral Irishman for introducing me to Jordan Carver.  (Even though I’m slightly miffed he beat me to the punch on my “Chesty Girl Basting a Turkey” pic at the top of this post.)  Are you kidding me????  I’ve never been real big on breast size (I’m a shape man myself), but holy shit those things are impressive!  I’d also like to point out that, after staring at her boobs pictures for about four days I also realized that she has a very pretty face.  Check out Irishman’s blog for lots more pics, you won’t be disappointed.

Have a great weekend everyone!