I took this off a Mormon discussion board:

“…Mormons have different ways of stimulating their genitals.  The first… is called floating.  Rather than actually engaging in back-and-forth penetration, a Mormon male will leave his penis in a Mormon female’s vagina and just let it float there for an extended period of time.”

See, this is the kind of shit I have to deal with here in End Of The World, Utah.  Floating –also known as Soaking– is apparently all the rage with Mormon kids these days.  You gotta admire the ingenuity of these people to get around their own beliefs.  But it does raise an interesting debate: Is this really just a way to justify breaking the fundamental tenets of their faith, kind of like deluding yourself that oral or anal sex doesn’t really count?  Or, my personal belief, is this just another scheme by horny teenage boys to trick naïve girls into bed?  Kind of like playing “Just the tip?”  Because, let’s face it, like “Just the tip,” once you breach that barrier all bets are off!

When you have to wear underwear like this, I guess it's no wonder Mormons have to come up with sneaky ways to get laid.

I’ve heard that some of these kids will even try to recite scripture while Floating, as if quoting a few lines from the Book of Mormon will somehow dampen the severity of their sin.  Personally, I think this is just a way to keep themselves from cumming too fast, like thinking about baseball or long division.  They may think they’re better than the rest of us, but we’re all really the same perverts at heart.

But, in the spirit of this new non-sex sex act invented by our Mormon friends, I think we should play along and see how we can make Floating as much fun as possible.  If the idea is that it’s ok to stick your dick in a girl but not ok to actually thrust away, there’s got to be ways to heighten the experience.  Just a few ideas we’ve come up with so far:

— What if you sneeze?  That’s an involuntary action, so surely that won’t send you to hell, right?  Damn, I never envied people with allergies so much in my life.  Quick, grab the pepper shaker, I’m gonna sneeze my way to climax!

— Do they still have vibrating beds in cheap motel rooms?  That could be the best quarter ever spent.  Or a water bed?  That’d be like a slow, sensual fuck, literally “riding” the wave.

— What if you go Floating on top of the washing machine?  It’s not MY fault the machine was on spin cycle!

Who else has ideas?  I want to turn this into a national fad!  Maybe Vince Vaughn will even make it a rule in Wedding Crashers 2



  1. What’s wrong with people these days?

  2. And I thought I had it bad growing up with a pentecostal preacher for a dad. I’m really glad he isn’t a Mormon. I probably would have busted out a lot sooner and went even wilder…wow, that’s a scary thought.

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