Happy Birthday ‘Merica!!!!

Normally on Patriotic holidays I like to thump my chest and brag about how great our nation is.  I like to talk a little shit on all the lesser nations of the world (I’m talking to you, France), rub their nose in our superiority and basically be the typical Ugly American.

But for this 4th of July I’m going to embrace my inner George H.W. Bush and be a kinder, gentler American.  Today I’m just celebrating our nation by displaying a wide range of patriotic swimwear.  Because let’s face it, everybody loves hot girls.

God Bless America.

 (BTW, Fuck You, China.)

Bikini Mondays 6/18

Thinking about moving to Australia…

Ode to the Bikini- The Director’s Cut!

No, that's not me. I'm not that fat. Yet.

My first re-post.  I swear it’s not because I’m lazy, or running out of material, or even because I’m suffering from writer’s block (which I am).  Nope, I just love bikinis that much.  And with warm weather coming our way it’s time to celebrate my favorite time of year.  So enjoy this oldie but goodie, with a few extra goodies for your viewing enjoyment.

It’s almost my favorite time of year.  That’s right, the time of year when it finally gets hot enough outside for girls to start wearing their bikinis.

I have an odd, borderline creepy fetish for a woman in a bikini.  Forget lingerie, forget French maid outfits, forget Catholic schoolgirl costumes.  If a girl really wants to drive me nuts, just come to my bed in a string bikini.  And let me untie the strings.

I know none of you really give a shit about the history of the bikini so I’ll keep it brief.  The modern bikini was invented in 1946 by Frenchman Louis Reard, which I believe makes him, after Joan of Arc, exactly the second French person in their entire history worth remembering.  Reard named the bikini after the Bikini Atoll islands in the South Pacific, where atomic bomb testing was going on.  The implication, of course, was that this shocking new piece of women’s clothing would cause shockwaves the world over.  And god damn if he wasn’t right!

I’m not sure exactly where my personal obsession with the bikini came from.  It might have been the first James Bond movie, Dr. No, and the original Bond girl Honey Rider (aka Ursula Andress).

Or it might have been the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and the most beautiful woman who ever lived, Elle Macpherson.  (Too bad she’s a socialist.)

Whatever it was, I’m still hooked to this day.  Follow me on a quick journey through some of the styles, motifs and uses for the modern bikini….

The bikini has evolved by leaps and bounds since its introduction 65 years ago.  There are so many cuts and styles it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight.  But here are just a few:

The traditional bikini.

The triangle top.  Less fabric, more skin.

The string bikini.  Nothing quite like untying one of these.  One little pull on the waist or behind the neck and voila!

Strapless.  Makes for better tan lines.

The teardrop.  Even less fabric.

Slingshot.  Not very functional, but extremely eye catching.

The see thru.  Probably not appropriate for most public outings, but if you have sexy pierced nipples like these why not?

Stringless.  Only for the truly brave, and those with an absolutely amazing body.

Fishnet.  Similar to the see thru, not for the faint of heart, or places with obscenity laws.

The sports bra, or beach volleyball bikini.  For the athletes.  Rockin’ abs not required, but definitely appreciated.

But the versatility of the bikini doesn’t end just with different styles.  The bikini can also be an expression of your personality, your passion and your allegiances:

First and foremost among these is patriotism.  There is nothing sexier than a girl showing her love of country with a red, white and blue ensemble.  If this doesn’t make you “stand at attention” then you’re probably a pinko commie.

Alongside love of country, camouflage shows a deep respect  and appreciation of our military.

Similarly, love of your home state (in this case Texas) can be very hot.  I wish I was from Texas.

But if you really want to get a guy’s attention, show your devotion to your favorite sports team.  DA BEARS!!

Alas, my girlfriend hates the Bears (she’s a fucking Vikqueens fan), so that’s out of the question.  And they don’t make Chief Illiniwek bikinis.  But I have convinced her to wear this Buffalo Sabres bikini.  I can almost guarantee premature ejaculation is in store…

And while I am so adamantly jingoistic and nationalist it clouds my judgment on anyone who’s not American, even I can grudgingly admit some of these foreign girls look pretty good rockin’ their countries’ colors:

I will be the first to admit, the bikini isn’t for everyone.  Not every girl can pull it off.  But, that being said, the bikini can accommodate a wide range of body types:

It’s perfect for girls who want to show off their surgically enhanced breasts.

But I don’t discriminate.  It looks great on the flat chested girls too.

Buff girls look especially hot in bikinis.

So good, in fact, they deserve some extra love.

And even the voluptuous girls can still look good in one.

But I have to draw the line somewhere!

Sorry, that was uncalled for.  I apologize, won’t happen again.  But bikinis are also great for showing off a woman’s ink.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I love the bikini.  It really does make most everything better.  For instance, bikinis make scenery shots a thousand times better.  Tell me you don’t want to visit these places more after seeing a girl like this in the pic.

Bikinis are so fucking hot they even look great on pornstars, and they get naked for a living!

Vegas has cashed in on bikini mania by opening pool parties at all the major casinos.  I am a huge fan of this.  The only thing hotter than a beautiful girl using the bikini for it’s originally intended purpose, swimming…

…is beautiful women wearing bikinis as their club outfit, with no intention of ever getting in the pool…

And so there you have it.  My ode to the bikini.  Thank god summer is almost here!  I’ll be out by the pool every chance I get, sippin’ on pool smoothies (that’s right, smoothies and vodka) and hoping to see something like this:

Apologies

First off, an apology.  I have been woefully bad at posting of late.  Whole bunch of shit going on in my life, and none of it very good or interesting.

But I promise I’ll have a new post soon.  And in the meantime, I have two peace offerings:

First, one of the greatest hockey clips ever.  My beloved Buffalo Sabres, on the brink of elimination last night, pulled off a miraculous comeback to keep their slim playoff hopes alive.  Check out Sabres rookie Marcus Foligno take a beating from Toronto defenseman and all-around thug Mike Komisarek, take all he can dish out and still help his team score the tying goal.  (Foligno is the Sabre in blue to the left of the faceoff, Komisarek is directly across from him yapping like the punk he is.)

And second, a hottie for the day.  A drunk, angry hottie no less.

Alright, maybe two hotties since I’ve been M.I.A. for so long.

Have a good one!

And the Winner is….

The winner of this year’s Bowl Game Pick ‘Em Challenge is none other than my dear friend CountryWe won’t speak about how I did in the standings.

Those of you who have read some of Country’s exploits will no doubt already know why I love her.  (I’ve often referred to her as the big-breasted younger sister I never had.)  This is the woman who set me up on a blind date for her wedding with the infamous and amazing Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress (who, incidentally, still won’t let me write about her).

But now, knowing that she is also the master of all football knowledge in the universe, how can you not think she’s the perfect woman?  I may hire her as a consultant for my fantasy football team next year.

Sorry guys: alas, she is already married, and to a man that can kick most of your asses.  So you’ll just have to dream of being so lucky.  But don’t worry, I’ll give you just a hint of her beauty to set your fantasies off.  (I had to scour through my old MySpace account to find this pic, so you fuckers better be grateful!)

Last Day to Join the Bowl Pick ‘Em Challenge

First game kicks off at 2pm Eastern tomorrow.  Here’s the link.  Come on, you know you want to…

And on a personal note, I have a new nemesis.  Someone decided to challenge my supremacy by signing up for the challenge under the name “Single Brown Alcoholic.”  Well guess what buddy?  Now it’s a race war!

(I’m only kidding.  SBA is actually the infamous Blackout that’s made so many of my stories.  But I’m still gonna kick his ass!)

Special thanks to Tempe12.com for their outrageously hot pics.  If I ever have a son he’s going to be a Sun Devil!

Do You Really Care?

A quick post today about my newest pet peeve.

In surfing through some other people’s blogs looking for inspiration, I noticed a strange (to me) phenomenon: people reporting what they were listening to while writing their post.  Some people even go so far as to report how many cups of coffee they’ve had on the day of their post, or some other inane personal tidbit that is completely irrelevant to their actual post.

This got me wondering… I don’t care if the author was listening to U2 or Justin Bieber; if they were wearing their pajamas or a 3-piece suit; if they were sipping on an iced caramel latte or a Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper (although I do care if you were drinking a strong alcoholic beverage; that’s always good information to have).

The point, I guess, is that people should be reading blogs for content.  Would it make my stories better if I told you I wrote them sitting at my desk at work when I was supposed to be working on a big project?  Or that I masturbated three times while deciding which picture I wanted to post today to offend the Preacher’s Daughter?  (Just kidding, PK!)

Just for you, PK! Even gave it a southern flair for you. Go Georgia!

For the record, I wrote this post while listening to Jewel.  That’s right, Jewel.  She’s the greatest singer/songwriter of our generation.  I love her music and I’m not ashamed of it.

I was wearing slacks and a polo shirt today when I wrote this.  The blue of the polo shirt really sets off my eyes.  Or so I’ve been told.

I was drinking water from the drinking fountain, but in my stylish Buffalo Sabres Tervis Tumbler.

Oh, and I was wearing black briefs today, just in case you were wondering.  They give me support in all the right places so I don’t care what you think.  Laugh away, assholes.