Another Year, Another Dead Pool

I came up just short this past year, finishing 2nd.  (I still can’t believe I couldn’t get a single member of Jersey Shore to keel over for me.  Guess all that talk about being good wingmen and “jumping on grenades” is just for show.)

I’d like to thank Joe Paterno, Rodney King and, of course, convicted terrorist Abdelbaset ali al-Megrahi for keeling over for me last year.  Thanks for being team players.

But enough about last year.  It’s a new season and 2nd place isn’t going to cut it anymore.  So this year I’ve compiled a deep and talented roster to carry me to victory.  Last year I went for too many deep balls, neglecting the short passes and running game that’s essential to moving the football.  I’ve corrected that this year with nine people over the age of 80.  Won’t get as many points as when some young celeb overdoses on bath salts, but they’ll keep the chains moving until I hit the big pay day.

For those of you keeping track at home, here’s my list for 2013.  Enjoy!

Special thanks to the fine folks at Hookers & Booze for putting on the Dead Pool again this year.

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Greg Louganis	01/29/1960	Still Alive	48	Approved
Bashar al-Assad	09/11/1965	Still Alive	53	Approved
Jerry Sandusky	01/26/1944	Still Alive	32	Approved
Harper Lee	04/28/1926	Still Alive	14	Approved
Zsa Zsa Gabor	02/06/1917	Still Alive	5	Approved
Billy Graham	11/07/1918	Still Alive	6	Approved
Bill Ayers	12/26/1944	Still Alive	32	Approved
Kim Jong-un	01/08/1983	Still Alive	71	Approved
Hamad Al Khalifa	01/28/1950	Still Alive	38	Approved
Silvio Berlusconi	09/29/1936	Still Alive	24	Approved
Prince Harry	09/15/1984	Still Alive	72	Approved
Stephen Hawking	01/08/1942	Still Alive	30	Approved
Omar Abdel-Rahman	05/03/1938	Still Alive	26	Approved
Pat Summitt	06/14/1952	Still Alive	40	Approved
Mikhail Gorbachev	03/02/1931	Still Alive	19	Approved
Dick Van Dyke	12/13/1925	Still Alive	13	Approved
Fidel Castro	08/13/1926	Still Alive	14	Approved
Jake Lamotta	07/10/1922	Still Alive	10	Approved
Robert Mugabe	02/21/1924	Still Alive	12	Approved
Bret Michaels	03/15/1963	Still Alive	51	Approved
Tariq Aziz	04/28/1936	Still Alive	24	Approved
muhammad ali	01/17/1942	Still Alive	30	Approved
Ronald Gray	01/01/1966	Still Alive	54	Approved
Chuck Berry	10/18/1926	Still Alive	14	Approved
Dwayne (Lil Wayne) Carter	09/27/1982	Still Alive	70	Approved

Dead Terrorists

Before

It was a good weekend.  Convicted Pan Am 103 bomber Abdelbaset Al-Megrahi finally kicked the bucket after being released “on compassionate grounds”

After

nearly three years ago.   Al-Megrahi had supposedly had just three months to live with advanced terminal prostate cancer.  Well, the Islamist pig managed to live another 33 months, which is 33 months longer than his 270 victims that were blown up over Lockerbie, Scotland.

Anytime a terrorist dies it’s cause for celebration, but this one was particularly satisfying because I racked up 42 big points in the Hookers And Booze Deadpool!  I’ve crawled into the top 5 now, and although I’m a long way from the leader I’m feeling a run coming on.  If I can just get that Jersey Shore murder-suicide I’ll have it in the bag!

The Dead Pool

Call me sick, but I am super excited to announce I have joined the Hookers and Booze Dead Pool.  You can find all the details here, but in a nutshell here’s the rules:

1) Pick 25 people you think will die in the next year.

2) Get points for each one that kicks the bucket.  Points are based off the person’s age (100 minus their age).  So there’s some strategy involved; you can pick old farts like B.B. King (86 years old) and the odds are good he’ll kick the bucket, but you only get 14 points for him.  However, if you roll the dice on Lindsay Lohan (25 years old) you stand to rake in 75 big points.

Maybe I’m just a morbid asshole, or maybe my fantasy football team is just that bad this season (damn you, Matt Ryan, I was coutning on you to be huge!), but this is just about the most exciting thing I’ve got going in my life right now.  Well, that and my beloved Buffalo Sabres starting 5-1 this season.  I’ve put together my rough draft list, but I’m open to suggestions.  I’ve got until October 30th to make changes, so if anyone has any brilliant suggestions I’m not at all above sharing the credit.

Without giving away all of my names, here’s a few of my candidates:

–Joe Paterno- The oldest on my list by far.  The only way that guy leaves the coaching field is in a body bag.  And some Penn State fans are hoping for just that.

–Charlie Sheen & Lindsay Lohan- At 46, he’s the very definition of “low risk, high reward.”  At 25, Lohan is Sheen to the Nth degree.

–Metta World Peace (a.k.a. Ron Artest) & Allen Iverson- I’m betting the NBA lockout causes some serious self-destructive tendencies in many NBA stars.  Artest, er, I mean, Metta World Peace already seems to have fallen off the deep end.  As for Iverson, well, the only thing worse than losing an NBA season?  Not being able to find a job playing semi-pro ball in Kazakhstan because you lost your job to a locked out NBA player who isn’t quite washed up yet.

–Lil Wayne & The Game- I don’t know much about hip-hop, but I know rappers with big mouths don’t live very long.

–Pacman Jones- Haven’t heard much from him lately.  But he’s still a fuck-up, and he’s still a Bengal.  Neither of those tend to be good for life longevity.

–Michael Douglas, Roger Ebert & Courtney Love- Just playin’ the percentages here.

–Jenna Jameson- What do pornstars do when people stop whacking off to them?  I don’t know either, but I’m guessing they don’t start baking cookies.

–Rodney King- I know, I know, I’m a racist asshole.  But consider the facts: since the infamous police beating, King has been arrested twice (beating his wife and driving drunk), shot once (supposedly while someone was trying to steal his motorcycle), and appeared on two different celebrity rehab TV shows.  The man is a mess.

–Ronnie, Sammi, Snooki & Situation- I’m betting heavy on the Jersey Shore crew.  My dream scenario would be that Ron and Sam kill each other in a murder/suicide, and somehow a stray bullet takes out one of the others.  But not JWoww, it would be a shame to lose her fake breasts before their time.

–Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hamid Karzai & Ali Abdullah-Saleh- It’s possible my biases against the Muslim world are showing through here.  But the entire Islamic world is being racked by supposedly Democratic protests and revolutions that are, in reality, just a worldwide uprising of Islamic fascism.  I’m betting that some of these leaders suffer the same fate as Qadaffi.

Honorable Mention- Some others I’ve been considering but haven’t made the cut just yet: Nick Nolte, Gary Busey, Chyna, the Dalai Lama, Bill Romanowski, Larry Merchant, Morgan Freeman, Kim Jong-Il, Keith Olbermann.

Please feel free to send me any suggestions.  There’s really only two rules you have to remember for this game, and I will quote the geniuses at Hookers and Booze for both:

–”No US political figures. The last thing I need is the fucking Secret Service seizing my server.”

–”If you are convicted of causing the death of any of the celebrities on your list, you forfeit the game. No cheating.”

Good luck!

May all your picks wind up like this guy!